What happened to the promise of being positive? Of looking on the bright side? Of not complaining? Of not self-pitying? Of self-love?
I think I chose to wallow over those issues, making myself or stressed out about it and wait for someone to tell me it's okay. I think I am making myself a mess on purpose. I think I put too much responsibility on myself on purpose. I think I self blame on purpose. All to draw more attention on myself - Oh look at this damsel in distress who needs rescuing. Pity her. Look how great she is still smiling and making jokes - while inside she is almost breaking under pressure. Look how capable she is. I want people to tell me that I am doing great, that it's ok to fail sometimes especially when I am handling so many stuff, that I shouldn't beat myself up when I am feeling demotivated or to put it crudely, lazy to accomplish some stuff. I elicit a pleasure in myself, when people lecture me to take more care of myself and stop beating myself up so much. I want all these reassurance, to fill a hole inside me that will never be filled. Why? Because the reassurance is not coming from me myself.
Who am I?
What we do everyday, it's a choice. Our actions, our thoughts. I had chose to let myself feel stressed out, I had chose to dwell on the issue instead of letting myself get to the solution, I had chose to self blame. I had chose to zoom in on the non-achievements and failed to recognise the achievements. I had chose to only think in terms of 'what could have been' instead of 'what is'. I had chose to not acknowledge my own strengths, and only wait for people to compliment me. I had chose to let myself feel guilty for things beyond my control. I am so afraid of taking actions - for fear of failure or things not turning out as planned. Because this whole vicious cycle will start again. I give myself a million excuses before I even started. In return I am burdening my own mind - because nobody can help me if I do not help myself. I am lucky enough to have friends and family who truly love me - who offer me advises and asking me to be free of my own thoughts, to let go of the pressure on myself. But didn't I choose to hold on to this pressure myself? You can be addicted to a certain kind of feeling, even though it's negative and bad as hell for you.
What happened to my promised personal values of Kindness, Courage and Positivity?
Why do my voice gets smaller every time I am stating my thoughts / expressing my true self to someone, as if I lack the confidence? I am already doubting myself - then who on earth will believe me?
Emotions are just emotions - feelings are just feelings. They do not control our life. Our actions do.
I want to change. I want to set myself free.
I need to know myself well enough, until there's no need for recognition from others.
I need to stop self pitying and self blaming - no amount of reassurance is going to help.
I need to carry out the planned actions, stop overthinking and just do it.
I need to stop feeling depressed every time I look at other people and think why am I not more like her/him and why do I not have this quality?
Most of all, I want to be happy.
