I have faced fears before, but never something as big as this.
Fear of getting some serious disease with high mortality rate, to get down to it --> fear of death.
There, I have stated it.
Why? So many things I still wanna do, so many things I wanna accomplish. So many things I am reluctant to let go, so many things I still wanna experience.
It had been a turmoil, from avoiding to confronting to living with it to letting go only to find it coming back again. It's like the younger image of myself like I have stated before, the image of my fears, still there still undecided still unsure.
Before this during the retreat when I had asked the teacher why do I suddenly have this kind of thoughts and she simply said - because you feel lack of love. I didn't really get it then, but I think I do now.
For the opposite of fear is not courage, it's love.
I remember that night while I was driving back from somewhere with a very complicated down-hearted feeling, and by recalling a text from my dad, tears started falling down my face like waterfall.
"Good morning Amanda, good luck, all the best and with all my blessing to your exam 👍🏻💪🏻💖❤
Hehehe... ma told me you pm her. Just relax and focus on what you supposed to do... If the thought run away, or you noticed it run away, pull it back... and re focus back to what you supposed to do at that moment.
😍 I am always there for you and support you Manda. 💞 I will send you all my super duper power blessing 😘 to you. May you be blessed with loves n affection, free of worries, free of fear.
Lots of love from me to you ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤"
Even now it still brings tears to my eyes.
I was recalling his words, my mum's words, my family my friends my boyfriend. Everyone around me who had ever showed me a gesture of support, a kind word, love, and I was crying harder than ever in the car. The love melt me dissolved my fears. I am so lucky, so beautiful so blessed, and it is a relief to finally open my heart to accept all their love because I deserve it I do. I was imagining my younger self crying too, and fading away as she finally accepts that yes she too is lovable and deserve all the love in the world. I have a lot to make up with my past.
What struck me the most was the statement 'free of fear' and yes indeed I had let my life be ruled by fear. Fear of not living up to expectations fear of what would people think always self-doubting always people pleasing. And it had all eventually manifest itself to this point. This article had sum up just about most of my fears, and it has a wonderful follow up of how to deal with it.
It takes time, it takes practice. After all, it is a habit, a learned behaviour. It takes patience, kindness and yes, lots and lots of love.
Everyday the term 'be kind to yourself' and 'it takes time to heal' means more to me than ever.
If anything, it has taught me gratitude.
At the end of a long day or a long few days or a long week or whatever, I feel tired. I feel like my body and I are a couple who is arguing, and when I finally accept whatever fears inside me, I can feel my body grudgingly accepting my apology and after some time, finally wanting to make peace with me. I feel like we are resolving an argument and I guess that's good right? It's how we understand each other better and move on.
After this, I will be stronger and lesser things will scare me. Who is to know what life will bring, but at least I will have this experience with me.
Live. Breathe. Repeat.
Inner peace.
