What drove us on in this thing we called life is actually the hope that things will get better. This shiny, sparkly illusion we call 'the future' or even 'tomorrow'. Things will eventually be better, just stick it through, things will get better, you'll see. Lies? Is it just things getting better, or it's just we are used to it already. Are we getting better? Or is it just something else to be focused on?
You know often times I hate myself for being so self-aware, for being overly analytic and critical for not loving myself but I keep forgetting the fact that I can't turn back and if I truly want to practice self-love I should stop fighting and start being. Accepting. Accepting that this is already a part of me. Accepting that I have this habit and it's ok. Accepting that I am enough and be enough. Accepting that I am the way I am and being truly ok with that. Accepting that yes I do have panic attacks sometimes and have negative thoughts sometimes but I can handle it I can face it this is all me and not me at the same time. Accepting that things will eventually change. I wish with all my might that things will get better. I wish with all my might that you're the one. But one step at a time baby. I think I sort of get what you mean now.
What we can do now is really love and trust. What if we let go this perfect illusion of love and work with what we have now.
I will not be you.
Be enough, and only be better. Screw self-righteousness.
Monday, September 18, 2017
Tuesday, September 05, 2017
Thick Cushion of Love
I had been meaning to write this post for quite sometime, but unfortunately had been rendered laptop-less, and I basically had been floating around like a zombie, feeling restless and exploring what other things my little smartphone can accomplish without using a laptop. Thankfully, I have a new laptop with me now, and I promise to treasure and take good care of it for life.
Craps aside, I wanted to write this to document all the feelings of love I felt recently as a reminder for myself that yes, despite all my flaws and ugly sides, some people (bless their soul) still love me, and want the best for me.
First, my father,
It's in the way he washed my new water bottle for me, and left it on the counter, filled.
It's in the way he will pick us up, no matter where we are if we request for it.
It's in the way he helps us to solve every problem we have (prime example: laptop problem) and never ever once complain about it.
It's in the way he rushed back home from work, just so I am able to have his laptop to use to do my work.
It's in the way he just silently passes me money whenever I am away from home for long periods of time.
It's in the way he asked us to add his credit card to our Uber/Grab account.
It's in the way he reloads our TnG and phone account.
Second, my mother,
It's in the way she willingly accompanies me to the hospital for my endless ailments, patiently waiting and never once complain about it.
It's in the way she always buy snacks and junk food, only to let us eat (despite being unhealthy).
It's in the way she absorbed all my frustrations, when I released it on her (I am so sorry mum), and just smiled and moved on.
It's in the way she agrees to buy anything that I want, as long as I request for it.
It's in the way she does the laundry, and leaves everything folded neatly on my bed.
Sometimes life seems complicated but often when you go back to the basics, everything seems so simple and straightforward again. I had been bouncing between this two states for so long already I just wanna jump out of it.
Craps aside, I wanted to write this to document all the feelings of love I felt recently as a reminder for myself that yes, despite all my flaws and ugly sides, some people (bless their soul) still love me, and want the best for me.
First, my father,
It's in the way he washed my new water bottle for me, and left it on the counter, filled.
It's in the way he will pick us up, no matter where we are if we request for it.
It's in the way he helps us to solve every problem we have (prime example: laptop problem) and never ever once complain about it.
It's in the way he rushed back home from work, just so I am able to have his laptop to use to do my work.
It's in the way he just silently passes me money whenever I am away from home for long periods of time.
It's in the way he asked us to add his credit card to our Uber/Grab account.
It's in the way he reloads our TnG and phone account.
Second, my mother,
It's in the way she willingly accompanies me to the hospital for my endless ailments, patiently waiting and never once complain about it.
It's in the way she always buy snacks and junk food, only to let us eat (despite being unhealthy).
It's in the way she absorbed all my frustrations, when I released it on her (I am so sorry mum), and just smiled and moved on.
It's in the way she agrees to buy anything that I want, as long as I request for it.
It's in the way she does the laundry, and leaves everything folded neatly on my bed.
Sometimes life seems complicated but often when you go back to the basics, everything seems so simple and straightforward again. I had been bouncing between this two states for so long already I just wanna jump out of it.
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