Body Impatience

How to trust our own body? When we keep fighting it when we keep wanting it to be the thing we thought it should be. When we keep treating it as 'the enemy'.

How to be sure? When we are living in a world with limited answers. Science is started to discover the truth about things. But sometimes science has its limit and body diversity is so so so vast. When will science be able to catch up to every single body in the world? I'm afraid not in the near future. Meanwhile, we have to learn to live in a world with lots of questions but limited answers and nothing is 100% certain.

For a girl who wants to be just sure of everything. It's tough. It's really tough.

When things happen to my body, when I start to observe 'abnormal' things happening I have a tendency to jump to the worst possible conclusion, before frantically searching for answers. Wanting to know if this is normal, wanting to be sure 100%. Googling for answers and when there's none, panic even more and dig even more. Searching for external reassurance. These are all my coping mechanisms.

It soon extended into 'prevention', wanting to know every action that I do is safe. Everything I put into or near my body is 100% safe. Having my own rules and standards to follow.

Sometimes it gets tiring. But the idea of letting go triggers so much anxiety that I can't. It all comes back to the balance. Like my therapist say. What habits I can tolerate with and what can't. Which is interfering my everyday life and which I can incorporate without any issues. Everyone is different after all, and we have our own queer habits in a way. It's learning to accept that about ourselves.

And the self blaming mechanism. I would think. If I don't do so and so I'd be blamed when so and so happens. Or now, so and so happens because I didn't do so and so. Then I beat myself up over it and regret and think a lot of 'should have's'. Yayaya I know I shouldn't. But knowing and feeling is different right? I'm still learning to accept.

You know, if I wasn't such a worry wart, all these things wouldn't really trigger me you know. When do you know something is wrong with your body? When the thing is so significant that you can no longer ignore it. But the question is also how significant is significant? If my threshold is so low, everything that happens will be significant for me even if it didn't trigger others.

Be grateful. I think that would be the first step for me. Be grateful for my body that's trying to protect me, be gentle with it and tell it that it's okay you know. Thanks for alerting me but we're not in real danger now. We'll continue to observe and let's see how. We're stronger than we think.

Having the minor surgery had thrown me back into the whole cycle of 'omg what's happening to my body am I going to be okay I want things to get better now and must be now not longer because I'll worry' and it sets me into an impatient frenzy. But not exactly thrown 'back' isit because I'm so much better at coping with my worries now than before. I know the techniques and stuff now and it's just applying them again. It's more like 'practice round 2' or 'surprise test 2.0' haha. I suppose there'll just be more in the future.

Breathe.

I am prettier than my thoughts. (For the days my thoughts get so bad I feel ugly inside out).

Because Love

It's like a full circle back.

After 1 year plus, almost 2. It's coming back.

The fear for my health, fear of unknown etc. But the difference is, I'm so much stronger now.

As I'm tidying my old notes, especially from my first sessions of therapies. Boy oh boy.

The things I used to fear, my deepest darkest thoughts, all displayed on paper. It's no wonder I eventually broke down when I did.

I hated myself so much. There were many things I couldn't accept about myself. "I don't love myself enough," said Teacher Yasa, many many months ago. I didn't understand then, then I did.

For only with love we're able to completely accept oneself. For only with love we're capable with forgiving if not forgetting. Only with love we believe we are enough.

It was a tough, long journey. It still is. But thank you.

I changed. A lot. Some might think I'd changed for the better, some might missed the old me more. But I am in a much more happy place now. People from my past who are unable to accept me as I am now don't deserve the current me anyway.

It's no wonder I attracted the people that I did. Those that leached of my energy, leached of my insecurities, promises of a better future if I followed their way but it's not. No wonder people turned bitter when I opened up my eyes and stopped worshiping them / taking them under my wings and figured out my own way my own path. Not any of this is their fault though. Some eventually changed with me too. Some changed but not with me. Some didn't change at all. And it's all perfectly okay.

For I am lighter. I am better. I am happier. I am. Enough.

But of course I'm not perfect. Old emotions still do come back, old fears still sometimes haunt me. People who used to dominate over me still have that some sort of power over me. But at least I'm more aware now. And what doesn't kill you make you stronger.

Reading back the notes somehow brought things back full circle.

Thank you people of my past. Thank you past self.

The moment when I felt my core shaking, and shifted, the lightness that filled within me...

Things start dissembling. Dissembling negative people negative energy. Building own values own beliefs own worth.

People who matter, will always stay.

Because love.