Still Looking

I guess when I keep mentioning to people that I am happy I am lying. Ok maybe not lying but the partial truth? There is always a sort of emptiness inside of me. The emptiness after separating with a friend after a particularly good conversation/hangout, the emptiness even if the hangout wasn't very good and I just wanna go back and fix something, the emptiness that leads me to continue checking all my platforms of social media even if there is no particular update, just to crave for that bit of connection.

Aren't human beings just weird? At the same time that I yearn to be alone, I am screaming for people around me not to leave me and just be there. At the same time that I wish people will ask me about my deep personal issues, I am hoping that they would not do just that. At the same time I wish to understand a person better, I am building walls from whom I don't know.

I am an awkward person, I admire those people who can start off conversations easily, especially those that can lead to deep ones. I am always not sure whether does the person want me to keep talking, or to just shut the hell up. See, some people are comfortable with silence. And how do we know for sure?

I am still looking. Still looking for the sort of human connection where - the person is super supportive and is not afraid of asking me anything. A person who asks tons of questions to me and about me. A person who is willing to listen, and above all, listen with no judgment. A person who loves me for who I am, and admire all my little quirks.A person who keeps striving to understand me better, a person who breaks all the walls around me even when I am unwilling. Cause god knows I will be super grateful once that person had done that.

 A person who I similarly understands well, and strives to understand better. A person who is not afraid to open up to me too. A person who I can feel infinitely comfortable with. A person who is real to me.

Still looking. But I guess I will have to be real to myself first. :)

Lately

Lately I realise I don't usually pen down my feelings anymore. I have learned to condense and simplify my feelings, into a single sentence, a short poem. I jot them down on random bits of papers and lose them, I share it on Facebook if I deem it passable. But most of the time, I swallow them.

Is it healthy to do this? I do not know. I do tend to forget a lot of stuff, a lot of reasons for feeling the way I feel sometimes, a lot of changes lost to myself.

But no matter what is it I am glad I had learned to be happier. Comparing myself to my last post in two years ago, I am much happier. I have closer friends now, I form deeper relationships, I am working on something that actually brings impact to the society, which is something I really wanted to do. But I do not know why, sometimes I still like feeling sad, I still like shutting myself out of the world and watch it pass me by as an outsider. Lately I am thinking that 'being emo' is my default mode. And the others are just additional settings.

Lately I am beginning to wonder, as I go through all these huge changes in my life, as I try to transform myself to be the best of me, am I losing sight of what's really important? Am I rushing through life I forgotten to appreciate the little things around me? And I am so eager for the perfect end of my transformation that I forgotten about myself? My feelings, my emotions, my soul, my body. Am I not taking enough notice of whatever else is going on in my life? Am I forgetting my true self?

For you see, that's the thing that I am dreading the most.