Okay

Came back from jogging and I just had to write.

Stop fighting. Stop struggling. Stop resisting. Stop pushing. Just stop.

Suddenly everything seemed so calm and peaceful. Suddenly everything is just as it is.

Is this even possible? This beautiful feeling? Sometimes it feels so fragile it hurts.

Cradle it gently. Afraid of letting in burst, afraid of letting it get hurt. Just cradle.

Slowly, as time goes on and everything seems fine (and not fine at the same time but that's okay), I dared to poked a bit at the bubble.

Surprisingly, it's still fine. I poked a bit more.

What does it mean to live courageously? When you live out of love.

I remembered that year and a half ago when we were asked to hug yourself, it felt so awkward and weird. Now, it actually feels like... home.

Maybe it's all meant to be. Having all these conversations and reflections actually helped me to be more at peace with myself.

The future is the most beautiful and wondrous place waiting to be explored.

.

Haven't wrote in quite some time. Thoughts are like clouds. They come and they go. I can have my mind bursting full of things I am dying to tell the world one minute and the next, everything just ebbs away. I guess I will document a few things.

1. I am okay, and yet not okay at the same time. Thanks for asking thanks for your concerns I really truly appreciate it. 
2. Life is as it is. 
3. I am enough.
4. The mind is a powerful tool. If you learn how to take advantage of it - life will be so much better.
5. It's okay to be sad. 
6. Accept. 
7. No such thing as 'should'. 

Funny how the things we learn since we were young, as we grow older we learn that not everything is at it is. We learn to respect the elders since young but when we grow up we realise not every adult deserves respect but in fact everyone deserves respect. Perspectives changes beliefs dissolves rules change. We realise there are always exception to the rules it's okay to bend rules sometimes. We learn to be true to ourselves and that sometimes means being out of the norm and that's okay. We learn to question who said that in the first place. It's a painful process. Growing up is a painful process.

So what happens if someone fails to catch up? Fails to understand the hidden rules of life which there are no rules? We have a little less happiness and innocence in this world. 

Faith to everything is as it is. Trust in ourselves. Learn not to take myself too seriously. Learn to give love and accept love.

In this world where everyone is dying to find out everything and wanting to be sure wanting that certainty of everything - I am afraid what the world has to offer will disappoint most. For nothing is certain. It is scary to embrace the uncertainty... I can't believe for me it has broken down into the simplest form.

With things catching up I can feel it slowly creeping up again. But it's different now because I have tools. I have my emergency kit and my long term storage kit. I have my arsenals. I have options. I have my love.

Package of sunshine?

1. Restructure

2. Distract

3. Mindfulness

*to be taken when needed

When all hope seemed lost the smallest one still exist in the deepest corner. Guide it out. Tap into my inner light.

Sometimes when everything is alright, it feels like puzzle pieces falling into its place. 

When the walls break down? Tired, stressed, feeling unloved, lacking attention. What does it mean if you don't have enough attention? It means I am annoying, it means I don't deserve attention. What does it mean if you don't deserve attention? It means I am not good enough / important enough / lovable enough. It means I need to change. What does it mean if you feel stress? It means I am not good enough to cope with the things. What does it mean if you are tired? It means I am a failure. What does it mean if you are a failure? It means I am a loser and I am never good enough.

Not good enough 

I know I am not supposed to hate but I really hate these three words. These words that had crippled so many people caused so much unhappiness and who knows how many relationships failure. Who on earth started this concept that there needs to be a certain standard for everyone to achieve anyway?

.....

Mission in life is simply to love and to spread more love. 

Enough is Enough

And the cycle repeats.

Feeling of a certain restlessness, google, read a lot, keep clicking, still feeling unsatisfied, a lot of words rush to my head, open blog, write.

Because reading so many things is scary, when I was googling about how to stop feeling scared in the first place, even reading gets me scared. My brain training is still in progress, and the fear center is still recognising and over-reacting to every fear stimulus there is.

Take a deep breath. Slow. Down.

Every article I read I relate it to me. About fear of flying about relationships. Thinking ohmygosh that must be me eventhough I may not have the problem in the first place. Sucking in all their advices and every single word written never considering whether do I actually need them or not in the first place.

Because nope. I do not.

I am perfectly healthy, fine, okay. I am in a good healthy relationship which I treasure dearly and yes we may face our own roadblocks sometimes but is nothing, nothing compared to the knowledge that we have, the love that we have, for ourselves, for each other and for us.

I do not need anymore advice. I am perfectly capable of guiding myself.

I am worthy. I am enough.

Fear

I have faced fears before, but never something as big as this.

Fear of getting some serious disease with high mortality rate, to get down to it --> fear of death.

There, I have stated it.

Why? So many things I still wanna do, so many things I wanna accomplish. So many things I am reluctant to let go, so many things I still wanna experience.

It had been a turmoil, from avoiding to confronting to living with it to letting go only to find it coming back again. It's like the younger image of myself like I have stated before, the image of my fears, still there still undecided still unsure.

Before this during the retreat when I had asked the teacher why do I suddenly have this kind of thoughts and she simply said - because you feel lack of love. I didn't really get it then, but I think I do now.

For the opposite of fear is not courage, it's love.

I remember that night while I was driving back from somewhere with a very complicated down-hearted feeling, and by recalling a text from my dad, tears started falling down my face like waterfall.

"Good morning Amanda, good luck, all the best and with all my blessing to your exam 👍🏻💪🏻💖❤
Hehehe... ma told me you pm her. Just relax and focus on what you supposed to do... If the thought run away, or you noticed it run away, pull it back... and re focus back to what you supposed to do at that moment.
😍 I am always there for you and support you Manda. 💞 I will send you all my super duper power blessing 😘 to you. May you be blessed with loves n affection, free of worries, free of fear.
Lots of love from me to you ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤"

Even now it still brings tears to my eyes.

I was recalling his words, my mum's words, my family my friends my boyfriend. Everyone around me who had ever showed me a gesture of support, a kind word, love, and I was crying harder than ever in the car. The love melt me dissolved my fears.  I am so lucky, so beautiful so blessed, and it is a relief to finally open my heart to accept all their love because I deserve it I do. I was imagining my younger self crying too, and fading away as she finally accepts that yes she too is lovable and deserve all the love in the world. I have a lot to make up with my past.

What struck me the most was the statement 'free of fear' and yes indeed I had let my life be ruled by fear. Fear of not living up to expectations fear of what would people think always self-doubting always people pleasing. And it had all eventually manifest itself to this point. This article  had sum up just about most of my fears, and it has a wonderful follow up of how to deal with it.

It takes time, it takes practice. After all, it is a habit, a learned behaviour. It takes patience, kindness and yes, lots and lots of love.

Everyday the term 'be kind to yourself' and 'it takes time to heal' means more to me than ever.

If anything, it has taught me gratitude.

At the end of a long day or a long few days or a long week or whatever, I feel tired. I feel like my body and I are a couple who is arguing, and when I finally accept whatever fears inside me, I can feel my body grudgingly accepting my apology and after some time, finally wanting to make peace with me. I feel like we are resolving an argument and I guess that's good right? It's how we understand each other better and move on.

After this, I will be stronger and lesser things will scare me. Who is to know what life will bring, but at least I will have this experience with me.

Live. Breathe. Repeat.

Inner peace.