How to trust our own body? When we keep fighting it when we keep wanting it to be the thing we thought it should be. When we keep treating it as 'the enemy'.
How to be sure? When we are living in a world with limited answers. Science is started to discover the truth about things. But sometimes science has its limit and body diversity is so so so vast. When will science be able to catch up to every single body in the world? I'm afraid not in the near future. Meanwhile, we have to learn to live in a world with lots of questions but limited answers and nothing is 100% certain.
For a girl who wants to be just sure of everything. It's tough. It's really tough.
When things happen to my body, when I start to observe 'abnormal' things happening I have a tendency to jump to the worst possible conclusion, before frantically searching for answers. Wanting to know if this is normal, wanting to be sure 100%. Googling for answers and when there's none, panic even more and dig even more. Searching for external reassurance. These are all my coping mechanisms.
It soon extended into 'prevention', wanting to know every action that I do is safe. Everything I put into or near my body is 100% safe. Having my own rules and standards to follow.
Sometimes it gets tiring. But the idea of letting go triggers so much anxiety that I can't. It all comes back to the balance. Like my therapist say. What habits I can tolerate with and what can't. Which is interfering my everyday life and which I can incorporate without any issues. Everyone is different after all, and we have our own queer habits in a way. It's learning to accept that about ourselves.
And the self blaming mechanism. I would think. If I don't do so and so I'd be blamed when so and so happens. Or now, so and so happens because I didn't do so and so. Then I beat myself up over it and regret and think a lot of 'should have's'. Yayaya I know I shouldn't. But knowing and feeling is different right? I'm still learning to accept.
You know, if I wasn't such a worry wart, all these things wouldn't really trigger me you know. When do you know something is wrong with your body? When the thing is so significant that you can no longer ignore it. But the question is also how significant is significant? If my threshold is so low, everything that happens will be significant for me even if it didn't trigger others.
Be grateful. I think that would be the first step for me. Be grateful for my body that's trying to protect me, be gentle with it and tell it that it's okay you know. Thanks for alerting me but we're not in real danger now. We'll continue to observe and let's see how. We're stronger than we think.
Having the minor surgery had thrown me back into the whole cycle of 'omg what's happening to my body am I going to be okay I want things to get better now and must be now not longer because I'll worry' and it sets me into an impatient frenzy. But not exactly thrown 'back' isit because I'm so much better at coping with my worries now than before. I know the techniques and stuff now and it's just applying them again. It's more like 'practice round 2' or 'surprise test 2.0' haha. I suppose there'll just be more in the future.
Breathe.
I am prettier than my thoughts. (For the days my thoughts get so bad I feel ugly inside out).
Wednesday, September 11, 2019
Wednesday, September 04, 2019
Because Love
It's like a full circle back.
After 1 year plus, almost 2. It's coming back.
The fear for my health, fear of unknown etc. But the difference is, I'm so much stronger now.
As I'm tidying my old notes, especially from my first sessions of therapies. Boy oh boy.
The things I used to fear, my deepest darkest thoughts, all displayed on paper. It's no wonder I eventually broke down when I did.
I hated myself so much. There were many things I couldn't accept about myself. "I don't love myself enough," said Teacher Yasa, many many months ago. I didn't understand then, then I did.
For only with love we're able to completely accept oneself. For only with love we're capable with forgiving if not forgetting. Only with love we believe we are enough.
It was a tough, long journey. It still is. But thank you.
I changed. A lot. Some might think I'd changed for the better, some might missed the old me more. But I am in a much more happy place now. People from my past who are unable to accept me as I am now don't deserve the current me anyway.
It's no wonder I attracted the people that I did. Those that leached of my energy, leached of my insecurities, promises of a better future if I followed their way but it's not. No wonder people turned bitter when I opened up my eyes and stopped worshiping them / taking them under my wings and figured out my own way my own path. Not any of this is their fault though. Some eventually changed with me too. Some changed but not with me. Some didn't change at all. And it's all perfectly okay.
For I am lighter. I am better. I am happier. I am. Enough.
But of course I'm not perfect. Old emotions still do come back, old fears still sometimes haunt me. People who used to dominate over me still have that some sort of power over me. But at least I'm more aware now. And what doesn't kill you make you stronger.
Reading back the notes somehow brought things back full circle.
Thank you people of my past. Thank you past self.
The moment when I felt my core shaking, and shifted, the lightness that filled within me...
Things start dissembling. Dissembling negative people negative energy. Building own values own beliefs own worth.
People who matter, will always stay.
Because love.
After 1 year plus, almost 2. It's coming back.
The fear for my health, fear of unknown etc. But the difference is, I'm so much stronger now.
As I'm tidying my old notes, especially from my first sessions of therapies. Boy oh boy.
The things I used to fear, my deepest darkest thoughts, all displayed on paper. It's no wonder I eventually broke down when I did.
I hated myself so much. There were many things I couldn't accept about myself. "I don't love myself enough," said Teacher Yasa, many many months ago. I didn't understand then, then I did.
For only with love we're able to completely accept oneself. For only with love we're capable with forgiving if not forgetting. Only with love we believe we are enough.
It was a tough, long journey. It still is. But thank you.
I changed. A lot. Some might think I'd changed for the better, some might missed the old me more. But I am in a much more happy place now. People from my past who are unable to accept me as I am now don't deserve the current me anyway.
It's no wonder I attracted the people that I did. Those that leached of my energy, leached of my insecurities, promises of a better future if I followed their way but it's not. No wonder people turned bitter when I opened up my eyes and stopped worshiping them / taking them under my wings and figured out my own way my own path. Not any of this is their fault though. Some eventually changed with me too. Some changed but not with me. Some didn't change at all. And it's all perfectly okay.
For I am lighter. I am better. I am happier. I am. Enough.
But of course I'm not perfect. Old emotions still do come back, old fears still sometimes haunt me. People who used to dominate over me still have that some sort of power over me. But at least I'm more aware now. And what doesn't kill you make you stronger.
Reading back the notes somehow brought things back full circle.
Thank you people of my past. Thank you past self.
The moment when I felt my core shaking, and shifted, the lightness that filled within me...
Things start dissembling. Dissembling negative people negative energy. Building own values own beliefs own worth.
People who matter, will always stay.
Because love.
Tuesday, March 20, 2018
Okay
Came back from jogging and I just had to write.
Stop fighting. Stop struggling. Stop resisting. Stop pushing. Just stop.
Suddenly everything seemed so calm and peaceful. Suddenly everything is just as it is.
Is this even possible? This beautiful feeling? Sometimes it feels so fragile it hurts.
Cradle it gently. Afraid of letting in burst, afraid of letting it get hurt. Just cradle.
Slowly, as time goes on and everything seems fine (and not fine at the same time but that's okay), I dared to poked a bit at the bubble.
Surprisingly, it's still fine. I poked a bit more.
What does it mean to live courageously? When you live out of love.
I remembered that year and a half ago when we were asked to hug yourself, it felt so awkward and weird. Now, it actually feels like... home.
Maybe it's all meant to be. Having all these conversations and reflections actually helped me to be more at peace with myself.
The future is the most beautiful and wondrous place waiting to be explored.
Stop fighting. Stop struggling. Stop resisting. Stop pushing. Just stop.
Suddenly everything seemed so calm and peaceful. Suddenly everything is just as it is.
Is this even possible? This beautiful feeling? Sometimes it feels so fragile it hurts.
Cradle it gently. Afraid of letting in burst, afraid of letting it get hurt. Just cradle.
Slowly, as time goes on and everything seems fine (and not fine at the same time but that's okay), I dared to poked a bit at the bubble.
Surprisingly, it's still fine. I poked a bit more.
What does it mean to live courageously? When you live out of love.
I remembered that year and a half ago when we were asked to hug yourself, it felt so awkward and weird. Now, it actually feels like... home.
Maybe it's all meant to be. Having all these conversations and reflections actually helped me to be more at peace with myself.
The future is the most beautiful and wondrous place waiting to be explored.
Monday, March 12, 2018
.
Haven't wrote in quite some time. Thoughts are like clouds. They come and they go. I can have my mind bursting full of things I am dying to tell the world one minute and the next, everything just ebbs away. I guess I will document a few things.
Not good enough
- I am okay, and yet not okay at the same time. Thanks for asking thanks for your concerns I really truly appreciate it.
- Life is as it is.
- I am enough.
- The mind is a powerful tool. If you learn how to take advantage of it - life will be so much better.
- It's okay to be sad.
- Accept.
- No such thing as 'should'.
Funny how the things we learn since we were young, as we grow older we learn that not everything is at it is. We learn to respect the elders since young but when we grow up we realise not every adult deserves respect but in fact everyone deserves respect. Perspectives changes beliefs dissolves rules change. We realise there are always exception to the rules it's okay to bend rules sometimes. We learn to be true to ourselves and that sometimes means being out of the norm and that's okay. We learn to question who said that in the first place. It's a painful process. Growing up is a painful process.
So what happens if someone fails to catch up? Fails to understand the hidden rules of life which there are no rules? We have a little less happiness and innocence in this world.
Faith to everything is as it is. Trust in ourselves. Learn not to take myself too seriously. Learn to give love and accept love.
In this world where everyone is dying to find out everything and wanting to be sure wanting that certainty of everything - I am afraid what the world has to offer will disappoint most. For nothing is certain. It is scary to embrace the uncertainty... I can't believe for me it has broken down into the simplest form.
With things catching up I can feel it slowly creeping up again. But it's different now because I have tools. I have my emergency kit and my long term storage kit. I have my arsenals. I have options. I have my love.
Package of sunshine?
1. Restructure
2. Distract
3. Mindfulness
*to be taken when needed
When all hope seemed lost the smallest one still exist in the deepest corner. Guide it out. Tap into my inner light.
Sometimes when everything is alright, it feels like puzzle pieces falling into its place.
When the walls break down? Tired, stressed, feeling unloved, lacking attention. What does it mean if you don't have enough attention? It means I am annoying, it means I don't deserve attention. What does it mean if you don't deserve attention? It means I am not good enough / important enough / lovable enough. It means I need to change. What does it mean if you feel stress? It means I am not good enough to cope with the things. What does it mean if you are tired? It means I am a failure. What does it mean if you are a failure? It means I am a loser and I am never good enough.
I know I am not supposed to hate but I really hate these three words. These words that had crippled so many people caused so much unhappiness and who knows how many relationships failure. Who on earth started this concept that there needs to be a certain standard for everyone to achieve anyway?
.....
Mission in life is simply to love and to spread more love.
Tuesday, February 13, 2018
Enough is Enough
And the cycle repeats.
Feeling of a certain restlessness, google, read a lot, keep clicking, still feeling unsatisfied, a lot of words rush to my head, open blog, write.
Because reading so many things is scary, when I was googling about how to stop feeling scared in the first place, even reading gets me scared. My brain training is still in progress, and the fear center is still recognising and over-reacting to every fear stimulus there is.
Take a deep breath. Slow. Down.
Every article I read I relate it to me. About fear of flying about relationships. Thinking ohmygosh that must be me eventhough I may not have the problem in the first place. Sucking in all their advices and every single word written never considering whether do I actually need them or not in the first place.
Because nope. I do not.
I am perfectly healthy, fine, okay. I am in a good healthy relationship which I treasure dearly and yes we may face our own roadblocks sometimes but is nothing, nothing compared to the knowledge that we have, the love that we have, for ourselves, for each other and for us.
I do not need anymore advice. I am perfectly capable of guiding myself.
I am worthy. I am enough.
Feeling of a certain restlessness, google, read a lot, keep clicking, still feeling unsatisfied, a lot of words rush to my head, open blog, write.
Because reading so many things is scary, when I was googling about how to stop feeling scared in the first place, even reading gets me scared. My brain training is still in progress, and the fear center is still recognising and over-reacting to every fear stimulus there is.
Take a deep breath. Slow. Down.
Every article I read I relate it to me. About fear of flying about relationships. Thinking ohmygosh that must be me eventhough I may not have the problem in the first place. Sucking in all their advices and every single word written never considering whether do I actually need them or not in the first place.
Because nope. I do not.
I am perfectly healthy, fine, okay. I am in a good healthy relationship which I treasure dearly and yes we may face our own roadblocks sometimes but is nothing, nothing compared to the knowledge that we have, the love that we have, for ourselves, for each other and for us.
I do not need anymore advice. I am perfectly capable of guiding myself.
I am worthy. I am enough.
Wednesday, January 10, 2018
Fear
I have faced fears before, but never something as big as this.
Fear of getting some serious disease with high mortality rate, to get down to it --> fear of death.
There, I have stated it.
Why? So many things I still wanna do, so many things I wanna accomplish. So many things I am reluctant to let go, so many things I still wanna experience.
It had been a turmoil, from avoiding to confronting to living with it to letting go only to find it coming back again. It's like the younger image of myself like I have stated before, the image of my fears, still there still undecided still unsure.
Before this during the retreat when I had asked the teacher why do I suddenly have this kind of thoughts and she simply said - because you feel lack of love. I didn't really get it then, but I think I do now.
For the opposite of fear is not courage, it's love.
I remember that night while I was driving back from somewhere with a very complicated down-hearted feeling, and by recalling a text from my dad, tears started falling down my face like waterfall.
"Good morning Amanda, good luck, all the best and with all my blessing to your exam 👍🏻💪🏻💖❤
Hehehe... ma told me you pm her. Just relax and focus on what you supposed to do... If the thought run away, or you noticed it run away, pull it back... and re focus back to what you supposed to do at that moment.
😍 I am always there for you and support you Manda. 💞 I will send you all my super duper power blessing 😘 to you. May you be blessed with loves n affection, free of worries, free of fear.
Lots of love from me to you ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤"
Even now it still brings tears to my eyes.
I was recalling his words, my mum's words, my family my friends my boyfriend. Everyone around me who had ever showed me a gesture of support, a kind word, love, and I was crying harder than ever in the car. The love melt me dissolved my fears. I am so lucky, so beautiful so blessed, and it is a relief to finally open my heart to accept all their love because I deserve it I do. I was imagining my younger self crying too, and fading away as she finally accepts that yes she too is lovable and deserve all the love in the world. I have a lot to make up with my past.
What struck me the most was the statement 'free of fear' and yes indeed I had let my life be ruled by fear. Fear of not living up to expectations fear of what would people think always self-doubting always people pleasing. And it had all eventually manifest itself to this point. This article had sum up just about most of my fears, and it has a wonderful follow up of how to deal with it.
It takes time, it takes practice. After all, it is a habit, a learned behaviour. It takes patience, kindness and yes, lots and lots of love.
Everyday the term 'be kind to yourself' and 'it takes time to heal' means more to me than ever.
If anything, it has taught me gratitude.
At the end of a long day or a long few days or a long week or whatever, I feel tired. I feel like my body and I are a couple who is arguing, and when I finally accept whatever fears inside me, I can feel my body grudgingly accepting my apology and after some time, finally wanting to make peace with me. I feel like we are resolving an argument and I guess that's good right? It's how we understand each other better and move on.
After this, I will be stronger and lesser things will scare me. Who is to know what life will bring, but at least I will have this experience with me.
Live. Breathe. Repeat.
Inner peace.
Fear of getting some serious disease with high mortality rate, to get down to it --> fear of death.
There, I have stated it.
Why? So many things I still wanna do, so many things I wanna accomplish. So many things I am reluctant to let go, so many things I still wanna experience.
It had been a turmoil, from avoiding to confronting to living with it to letting go only to find it coming back again. It's like the younger image of myself like I have stated before, the image of my fears, still there still undecided still unsure.
Before this during the retreat when I had asked the teacher why do I suddenly have this kind of thoughts and she simply said - because you feel lack of love. I didn't really get it then, but I think I do now.
For the opposite of fear is not courage, it's love.
I remember that night while I was driving back from somewhere with a very complicated down-hearted feeling, and by recalling a text from my dad, tears started falling down my face like waterfall.
"Good morning Amanda, good luck, all the best and with all my blessing to your exam 👍🏻💪🏻💖❤
Hehehe... ma told me you pm her. Just relax and focus on what you supposed to do... If the thought run away, or you noticed it run away, pull it back... and re focus back to what you supposed to do at that moment.
😍 I am always there for you and support you Manda. 💞 I will send you all my super duper power blessing 😘 to you. May you be blessed with loves n affection, free of worries, free of fear.
Lots of love from me to you ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤"
Even now it still brings tears to my eyes.
I was recalling his words, my mum's words, my family my friends my boyfriend. Everyone around me who had ever showed me a gesture of support, a kind word, love, and I was crying harder than ever in the car. The love melt me dissolved my fears. I am so lucky, so beautiful so blessed, and it is a relief to finally open my heart to accept all their love because I deserve it I do. I was imagining my younger self crying too, and fading away as she finally accepts that yes she too is lovable and deserve all the love in the world. I have a lot to make up with my past.
What struck me the most was the statement 'free of fear' and yes indeed I had let my life be ruled by fear. Fear of not living up to expectations fear of what would people think always self-doubting always people pleasing. And it had all eventually manifest itself to this point. This article had sum up just about most of my fears, and it has a wonderful follow up of how to deal with it.
It takes time, it takes practice. After all, it is a habit, a learned behaviour. It takes patience, kindness and yes, lots and lots of love.
Everyday the term 'be kind to yourself' and 'it takes time to heal' means more to me than ever.
If anything, it has taught me gratitude.
At the end of a long day or a long few days or a long week or whatever, I feel tired. I feel like my body and I are a couple who is arguing, and when I finally accept whatever fears inside me, I can feel my body grudgingly accepting my apology and after some time, finally wanting to make peace with me. I feel like we are resolving an argument and I guess that's good right? It's how we understand each other better and move on.
After this, I will be stronger and lesser things will scare me. Who is to know what life will bring, but at least I will have this experience with me.
Live. Breathe. Repeat.
Inner peace.
Thursday, December 28, 2017
Repeat
Suffocate...
I have learned to recognise this feeling, and it no longer scares me anymore. Just a minor nuisance, and all I have to do is to not pay any attention to it, continue doing whatever I am doing, and eventually it will go away.
My mum,
The strongest woman I have ever know. Despite her many many flaws (because who doesn't have them) she is still so wonderfully strong. Her depth of positivity is amazing. The procedures she had undergo the pain and aches she suffers everyday the attitude from dad she has to put up with... And yet still being so loving and kind and patient towards her children, putting up with all these 'nuisance' from me. I love her so much.
Learn to listen to your inner voice, stop seeking for advice. Your body knows best, you know best. Life is full of unknown and it can be scary but yet it can be exciting as well. There's always two sides of the coin, it's where you choose to look at that matters.
And I am glad I met you.
Just a random thought, maybe I can write a true raw account of how I overcome this.
I have learned to recognise this feeling, and it no longer scares me anymore. Just a minor nuisance, and all I have to do is to not pay any attention to it, continue doing whatever I am doing, and eventually it will go away.
My mum,
The strongest woman I have ever know. Despite her many many flaws (because who doesn't have them) she is still so wonderfully strong. Her depth of positivity is amazing. The procedures she had undergo the pain and aches she suffers everyday the attitude from dad she has to put up with... And yet still being so loving and kind and patient towards her children, putting up with all these 'nuisance' from me. I love her so much.
Learn to listen to your inner voice, stop seeking for advice. Your body knows best, you know best. Life is full of unknown and it can be scary but yet it can be exciting as well. There's always two sides of the coin, it's where you choose to look at that matters.
And I am glad I met you.
Just a random thought, maybe I can write a true raw account of how I overcome this.
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