Love myself. Love the me. I deserve unconditional love for all that I had done. Knowing it and experiencing it is so different.
This is the right choice for me. I was losing myself. I was becoming lifeless, soulless, unhappy, stuck, depressed, lonely. Yes I could have reached out to feel better but everyone knows I am sick of it. Sick of all those shit and sick of who I have become in that organisation. Breaking free. Of course it bloody hell hurts, I am ripping out a part of me, a part which I had harbour for so long and I believe that it is the best part of me. I expected this but I never expect it will come on so strongly. Of course I will feel sad. Of course I will feel empty. But these feelings won't last. I am better than this.
I can feel myself making more lame jokes in class today and it's true. it feels liberating. I know myself the best and what's best for me. other people can give me tons of opinions but this is my life. I know I still have to deal with all these. I never expected it to be easy. but easier said than done. just because I leave this position doesn't mean everything will go away just like that, a lot of work still needs to be done. but I am on the right track I really am. "I have to learn how to recognise myself without this organisation, because up till now this organisation means the world to me, and it's what I use to define myself. I fear that my self esteem will crumble when I leave this organisation" - what I said to veron few days ago. I am taking ownership towards my own life. I am making decisions. I am being responsible. and of course it's scary. I hadn't listen to myself for so long, so this is my 'punishment'. I choose to take responsibility, and face the consequences of my actions.
I was embracing my fear when I step up to it. Now I am embracing again when I let it go.
If I persist on, I will continuously be unhappy and maybe even breakdown halfway. Here's what people say:
Eva - this decision takes more courage than leaving. a lot of stupid reasons to leave but this is not one of them. as long as you know you are making this choice for yourself and not because you are afraid you won't do a good job. always welcome you back. better to have you happy and healthy contributing back to the society wherever you are compared to have you trapped and unhappy at that position
Wasim - you look so lost ever since you were elected. now you look happier, and for that I am happy for you
Ziying - listen to you. how many times have you used the word 'scared' and 'afraid'. you feel like you are losing control of your life. but this is life, with uncertainties. this is part of growing up. you actually smiled when you wrote that. you already know what you truly wants. remember that feeling of dread when that water was poured on you? stop rushing, stop wanting things fast. the more you rush the worse it's gonna be.
Bonnie - I can see the lifeless look in your eyes. I didn't dare to say it for fear of sounding biased but yes, I believe this is truly the right choice for you.
Jenny - do what you want to do. sleep when you feel like sleeping.
Veron - trust the process.
Govi - as long as there's no doubt, then it's fine. (and I am sure)
Awish - best of luck in your problem. overcome it (when he doesn't even have a single clue of what's going on)
Kawo - happy for you
Everyone - listen to your heart, what it really wants. we love you. (I can feel it)
I had brought a huge lesson for everyone, and in a way it's good too.
- listen to your heart
- don't take things personally. often when a thing happen is not one person's contribution (you are not that great/influential) it's often a result of many little things
- life is full of changes
- 10 years from now, will it matter? if no, then why keep stuck in it?
- enjoy the ride of life
Now that I have actually calmed down, my fears seemed so silly. Laugh it off.
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