Takes Time

Why does it feel so hard to let go - if it's the right choice for me? Because I am changing my belief, learning to trust myself and my instinct. It's unknown and it's scary, of course I am afraid. I am always looking for advice and solution from people and get frustrated when it doesn't work. Of course it doesn't because nobody knows it better than myself. Nobody knows me better than myself and I choose to respect that if I wish everyone else can respect that. Why am I afraid of talking to her? Is it the same reason as with ajie? Hmm because I am afraid of being not good enough of not doing the right things, well scared, afraid, fear, these three words I use a lot. Learn to trust my self and my instinct. My body is already giving me a big warning signal. If I don't face it - nobody else will.

My method? Not your method. Even she herself said that already my god. -_- Figure out what works best for you, prioritise myself. Don't have to justify or feel the need to please. Spending time with people I love and who loves me, gain back my energy.

It's not whether can I or can I not, it's want or don't want.

It no longer mean the same thing to me and it's ok.

This struggling feeling is TEMPORARY. 无常.

One step at a time, nobody is rushing you.

Look around you, so much love so much support, means you have been doing something right in your life at least.

Love Documentation

Family
- listening to all my worries and musings and being so patient
- preparing good food and good stuff for me to bring back
- hugs
- doing all they can in their capabilities to make me feel comfortable and happy

Coursemates
- helpful and supportive
- encouraging

Friends
- being my listener and consultant
- never pushing me for decision and never showing signs of impatient
- allow me to be myself
- sharing experience
- not judging

You
- always there when I need
- make me happy
- not getting frustrated with me
- allowing me to be myself
- loving me

If I can just forget about my goddamn ego, and ground myself to earth more.

If I love myself enough, I wouldn't continue to let myself feel so shitty.

Responsible for my actions and decisions. Made a mistake? Admit it, amend it (within capabilities), and move on. Simple.

Heartache

I miss you. I miss your smile I miss your smell I miss your kisses. I miss your cheeky grin your sweat your soft lips. Your voice your arms around me your fingers curled around mine tight. Your stare your eyes the intensity. Your shoulder with my head leaning against it. Your hand playing with my hair. Your hand on my leg your offer to help me carry stuff. Your tender look your tight hugs. I miss hugging your arm it makes me feel so safe. I miss holding your hand your fingers playing with mine. I miss you telling me stories being upset with me. I miss you.

Till we see each other again. Stay strong dear heart.

Musings

Humility still isn't my strongest suit. Or is it because I am letting others invade my borders. Remind myself that they meant good. Remind myself to still be myself. Not being not them, but just being myself.

What is being myself though? How do I know I truly love someone?

The thing is, there's no correct answer to the questions above, and it's something that doesn't require thinking. As long as whatever you're doing feels comfortable and feels right, then I guess that's it.

Love is a verb.

There may be days you feel low, there may be days you feel high. But when it comes to loving that special someone, it should be easy.

Rush

Can you tell me honestly when was the last time you stop and breathe and stop thinking. Stop thinking of what's going to happen next, stop worrying about whatever had happened before, but just stop and be.

Everyday, I am rushing rushing rushing. Rushing to get things done, meeting deadlines and submitting tasks on time. Everyday is a race against the clock. Everyday wishing for more hours lesser job more time lesser tasks. Everyday praying for the day to end the week to end the month to end because I know when it ends it means I have done that something, but is this a life worth living? Everyday counting down everyday looking forward. The present doesn't seem like such a pleasant place to live in, everyday wishing tomorrow will be better. Why?

What happened to the here and now?

I gotta learn that practice that let that sink in.

Wake Up Call

What drove us on in this thing we called life is actually the hope that things will get better. This shiny, sparkly illusion we call 'the future' or even 'tomorrow'. Things will eventually be better, just stick it through, things will get better, you'll see. Lies? Is it just things getting better, or it's just we are used to it already. Are we getting better? Or is it just something else to be focused on?

You know often times I hate myself for being so self-aware, for being overly analytic and critical for not loving myself but I keep forgetting the fact that I can't turn back and if I truly want to practice self-love I should stop fighting and start being. Accepting. Accepting that this is already a part of me. Accepting that I have this habit and it's ok. Accepting that I am enough and be enough. Accepting that I am the way I am and being truly ok with that. Accepting that yes I do have panic attacks sometimes and have negative thoughts sometimes but I can handle it I can face it this is all me and not me at the same time. Accepting that things will eventually change. I wish with all my might that things will get better. I wish with all my might that you're the one. But one step at a time baby. I think I sort of get what you mean now.

What we can do now is really love and trust. What if we let go this perfect illusion of love and work with what we have now.

I will not be you.

Be enough, and only be better. Screw self-righteousness.

Thick Cushion of Love

I had been meaning to write this post for quite sometime, but unfortunately had been rendered laptop-less, and I basically had been floating around like a zombie, feeling restless and exploring what other things my little smartphone can accomplish without using a laptop. Thankfully, I have a new laptop with me now, and I promise to treasure and take good care of it for life.

Craps aside, I wanted to write this to document all the feelings of love I felt recently as a reminder for myself that yes, despite all my flaws and ugly sides, some people (bless their soul) still love me, and want the best for me.

First, my father,
It's in the way he washed my new water bottle for me, and left it on the counter, filled.
It's in the way he will pick us up, no matter where we are if we request for it.
It's in the way he helps us to solve every problem we have (prime example: laptop problem) and never ever once complain about it.
It's in the way he rushed back home from work, just so I am able to have his laptop to use to do my work.
It's in the way he just silently passes me money whenever I am away from home for long periods of time.
It's in the way he asked us to add his credit card to our Uber/Grab account.
It's in the way he reloads our TnG and phone account.

Second, my mother,
It's in the way she willingly accompanies me to the hospital for my endless ailments, patiently waiting and never once complain about it.
It's in the way she always buy snacks and junk food, only to let us eat (despite being unhealthy).
It's in the way she absorbed all my frustrations, when I released it on her (I am so sorry mum), and just smiled and moved on.
It's in the way she agrees to buy anything that I want, as long as I request for it.
It's in the way she does the laundry, and leaves everything folded neatly on my bed.

Sometimes life seems complicated but often when you go back to the basics, everything seems so simple and straightforward again. I had been bouncing between this two states for so long already I just wanna jump out of it.