Rants

How many percentage of it is real and how many is from our own feelings and interpretations. Two person in the same situation can view the world so differently. When I am feeling unhappy how much of it is justified and how much is not. When I am feeling upset should I blame myself or blame others. This sounds like a regression from yesterday, but I supposed it's a two steps forward and one step back thing. I hate feeling unhappy. I can sulk yes, but will that help matters? No.

Yesterday when I had that phone call a series of emotions passed through my mind. At first is annoyance, then frustration, and when the seriousness of the issue gets to me is frightened, then helpless, then the struggling feeling of looking for the right answer. After taking some time for myself, I gradually let the feelings sink in and realise I had over-dramatised matters. Yes, so this thing happened, so the fact is A, B and C and the solution is 1, 2 and 3. No use overthinking no use predicting what will happen in the future because that is beyond our circle of control. We just need to do what we can do and stop guessing and guessing.

It's because of what happened that made me have a need to be comforted, then when I failed to fulfill my need that's when I started feeling upset. This persistent nagging feeling of unhappiness that just won't go away. There's no life manual instrucing me on what to do. No spiritual guru to enlighten me. Just me and a bunch of knowledge trapped inside my head unable to be converted to wisdom yet. It's like the channel is blocked, and perhaps they are all stuck at the toll gate unable to get out because they do not have enough funds to pay for the toll yet.

You know what, the more I delved into spirituality the more I realise these are the stuff that should be thought at schools. Granted languages, maths, sciences and other arts subjects are important but this! Imagine if we have self-awareness since young, aware of why we feel the way we do and having excellent emotional intelligence. Will the world be a much peaceful place? Will we have lesser school bullies issue and body image issue? Will we be happier? It's just a theory, but like every theory we can only predict so far. Perhaps some people really need the struggle of feeling lost to grow.

Love Conquers All

It's an amazing feeling when something clicks into place. The warm feeling that spreads from your heart, or the lightheartedness you immediately feel when something that has been troubling you for so long started to lift off. I feel so humble, so small, and it feels really great. I am just a part of the universe, and I am responsible for my own life. Nothing else. I have no "greater" responsibilities to save the world, I am not obliged to anyone else. I just need to focus on doing the things that make me happy.

It's a huge concept to grasp. My idea right now (and I have no idea whether is it right or wrong), is that the more self-aware we are, the less we try to define ourselves, the less we hold on to things to make us feel that we are special and we exist. I used to be so proud of being able to define myself, my passion my dreams, proud to be different, proud to stand out. Proud of being able to state my purpose of life, proud to be able to have a life goal. Now, I don't think it really matters anymore. It's a state of knowing myself so well that I am calm inside. And I no longer need to look for external validations to validate myself. It's no longer a state of searching but just being.

People may laugh and scoff, isn't not having a purpose in life useless? Then why do I exist? But you see, I do have a "direction" or "purpose" in life, which is to be happy in whatever I am doing, to live in the moment, to fulfill my own needs. And it's a bliss when I realise this. I am no longer bound by all the responsibilities. I am no longer responsible for the external things that happen that is beyond my control. Because all the energy, everything I do, it comes from me myself. I do it because I want to because I choose to, not because I have to.  I am just my own bubble of life, and I may cross path with other people as I float along, and some people may stay longer than others, and we may have interactions and may learn from each other, may have some connections together, but eventually, in the end, I am still me, and I am still responsible for myself.

I used to have this twinge of annoyance when I heard of other people's success, especially if it's people I know well, but just now I suddenly thought of a friend of mine whom everyone praises a lot, and I was surprised to realise I no longer feel the annoyance that I felt whenever I thought of her, but a genuine happiness for her that she is that kind of person. A smile immediately spread across my face.

I used to hate the fact that other people might face the same issues as me, or has the same characteristics as me, but now I don't think I do anymore, I am just glad someone else can relate to it and I know I am not alone in this world.

It may be small, but it once again integrate in me the need to be humble, to have humility. I had always liked that word. It teaches us that nobody is greater than the other. We have no power over another person. Everything is, as it is. And all these realisations come gradually, but I am still glad I have them.

I am so thankful, to have such a circle of friends and family around me.

And why love conquers all? Because indeed, the source of happiness comes from being able to genuinely, truly, love oneself.

Just Keep Trying

Had a talk with my sister yesterday and it did really help to put things into perspective. I overthink and am too self-aware it's putting so much pressure on myself. To realise she don't see me 90% of how I see myself.. It's uplifting.

I have the ability to control my life including my thoughts. If I feel the emotion, feel it, get over it and move on.

I am worth.

I am who I am and I am not defined by what I do / say / act / think.

It's ok to make mistakes. It's ok for people to dislike me. Face the fear.

Issues are not a checklist you can tick off. There will always be more. It's how I face them and accept them as part & parcel of life.

People who love me love me for who I am.

People who love me will never give up on me as long as I don't give up on myself no matter how frustrated they get during the process.

Values: Love, Trust and Humbleness

Love - loving and accepting myself including all the ugly parts truly whole-heartedly
Trust - trust in the process, trust people who love me, trust in myself
Humbleness - just be myself my naked self, without ego and whatever image I have of myself in my head

I think my self-love journey had just taken on another turn.

"How would you feel if you truly, deeply and intimately loved your entire gorgeous self?"

Things I Am Still Worried About Which I Probably Shouldn't

Have you ever feel like your brain is a tangled of wire? And you just don't know what to do anymore. So many things to do and things will be solved if you just do. But do what? I can open a document and stare blankly at it for ages. I can make a bunch of lists and then suddenly feeling lost and don't think it's practical and wanna redo the whole thing. I feel scared, when someone suddenly tell me something else I have to do.

I thought I had overcome the mental block I had already. Who am I kidding? The feeling is still there, very present.

The truth is, I am soooo tired. So tired of always doing the right things, so tired of having so many ideas in my head but nobody seems to want to make it work (yes I know about the circle of influence thing just let me rant), so tired of living life carefully (say the right things to not offend people but please be yourself), so tired of keep wanting to improve myself, so tired of sleeping so much yet still feeling tired, so tired of feeling tired. 

I thought I had already taken my well-deserved break and I should be okay already. I feel guilty when I am not. I can't afford more time off. 

I am watching the enormous pile of things I am yet to get done, and I am feeling helpless. I know what to do generally but when it comes to the details part I hit a blank. So many ways I can do it but which is the best way the perfect way? The way that saves the most effort. Still a perfectionist, buried under a layer of pretend flippancy. 

I desperately need a routine.

I had been doing so many stuff - talking to people reading articles watching video reading books exercising - but do any of this really help?

I want back my clarity. Last week had been hell. It may continue to be, but I have to keep fighting for myself. Tomorrow's a new day. 

Self - Love

This is a tricky topic. But I still wanna try writing about it haha. Why tricky? Because it has been talked about too many times on too many different platforms, some people say it's overrated; the older generation thinks it's the younger generation's issue to deal with - when survival is no longer primitive, we purposely find other issues to confuse ourselves with. But that's a theory that I have heard of as well - the uncomfortable feeling we have when we push ourselves out of our comfort zone, it's the same uncomfortable feeling when the very first humans sense that there was danger around them. It makes them more alert to the surrounding and ready to fight off adversity. When we live in safer and more comfortable environment now, the feeling doesn't go away but transfer to more minute things instead.

But all in all, I think "self-love" is still something very personal, and like what I heard before from someone, it really depends on our own definition of it. What do we need right now? Self-love is after all not a destination but a journey. It's a conscious choice we make everyday. It's a practice, a behaviour, a habit. But it shouldn't be burdensome.

What does self-love means to me? Now, what I think I need most is actually more self compassion. Be as kind to myself as I do to other people. How?
1. By stop doubting my decisions (believe in myself)
2. By stop beating myself up when things don't go the way I planned (stop self-blaming basically)

A lot of times I had struggled with myself to be politically correct - but what if there is no right or wrong there just is? Promising myself to journal more is also a way for me to put things into perspective, and to be more authentic. I think I owe myself that.

Realisations (Somewhat)

It came as a gradual realisation, as to what self love is. To be honest I didn't even label this whole emotional turmoil as lack of self love. I just thought of it as 'internal struggle', 'personal conflict', 'identity crisis' and so on. But I did not think of it that the reason all of this is happening is all due to lack of self love. And it's funny. Because I thought that I had already discovered that for myself. I thought I had already been very self-aware, knowing what my values are where my passion is what is my biggest dream, I had completely disregard the fact that people change as time changes, and completely forgotten the fact that there is nothing wrong with changes. I had tried so hard fitting myself into the frame I had molded myself  into, even when I no longer fit.

It is scary, when all along people all around me had been telling me to define myself, find out who am I, what is my personality my colours my fear. And I had done exactly that, because I am the kind of person who likes following instructions. But sometimes I wonder, is it me who follow the labels or the labels are the one following me. When we had already defined ourselves there doesn't seem to leave any rooms for changes. We have learnt all along change is the only truth.

Emotions are scary things too. To experience them or to deny them? On one hand there's a saying that emotions are just emotions there is no truth in them, on the other there's a saying that we should fully experience our emotions. I had always thought they were conflicting ideologies and in return, I tend to suppress all emotions except when necessary, then it will all come out like an exploding volcano. Don't let myself feel too much positive emotions - I will get addicted. Don't feel too much negative emotions - I will regret it. Neutral. Just be neutral. Bullshit I call that.

Previously I had written on how it could be an attention seeking behaviour - when I purposely don't take care of my own health and stress level and wait for others to remind me. Well I wanna put a stop to it. I am in my own hands and no one else. And nobody else can take care of me as well as myself.

"How would you feel if you truly, deeply and intimately loved your entire, gorgeous self?" When I already feel awkward hugging myself and loving myself, why would anyone else want to do that?

When you give and give and give and expect appreciation in return, well why would that happen if you don't appreciate yourself first?

I have been reading plenty of articles about self love and there are so many theories so many steps. So many books and movies out there. But I think what really struck me is three points:
1. Put myself first - and it's not being selfish
2. Listen to my body - do what feels right for me (the mind is an expert at making up excuses)
3. Stop people pleasing

In the end, I guess I understand the phrase 'be authentic' a whole lot more now. It's a whole new journey for me to explore, but it feels right in my gut so -

Still, deepest gratitude for those around me who truly love and support me. Somehow somewhere I guess I have accumulated enough good karma to meet you guys. x