It came as a gradual realisation, as to what self love is. To be honest I didn't even label this whole emotional turmoil as lack of self love. I just thought of it as 'internal struggle', 'personal conflict', 'identity crisis' and so on. But I did not think of it that the reason all of this is happening is all due to lack of self love. And it's funny. Because I thought that I had already discovered that for myself. I thought I had already been very self-aware, knowing what my values are where my passion is what is my biggest dream, I had completely disregard the fact that people change as time changes, and completely forgotten the fact that there is nothing wrong with changes. I had tried so hard fitting myself into the frame I had molded myself into, even when I no longer fit.
It is scary, when all along people all around me had been telling me to define myself, find out who am I, what is my personality my colours my fear. And I had done exactly that, because I am the kind of person who likes following instructions. But sometimes I wonder, is it me who follow the labels or the labels are the one following me. When we had already defined ourselves there doesn't seem to leave any rooms for changes. We have learnt all along change is the only truth.
Emotions are scary things too. To experience them or to deny them? On one hand there's a saying that emotions are just emotions there is no truth in them, on the other there's a saying that we should fully experience our emotions. I had always thought they were conflicting ideologies and in return, I tend to suppress all emotions except when necessary, then it will all come out like an exploding volcano. Don't let myself feel too much positive emotions - I will get addicted. Don't feel too much negative emotions - I will regret it. Neutral. Just be neutral. Bullshit I call that.
Previously I had written on how it could be an attention seeking behaviour - when I purposely don't take care of my own health and stress level and wait for others to remind me. Well I wanna put a stop to it. I am in my own hands and no one else. And nobody else can take care of me as well as myself.
"How would you feel if you truly, deeply and intimately loved your entire, gorgeous self?" When I already feel awkward hugging myself and loving myself, why would anyone else want to do that?
When you give and give and give and expect appreciation in return, well why would that happen if you don't appreciate yourself first?
I have been reading plenty of articles about self love and there are so many theories so many steps. So many books and movies out there. But I think what really struck me is three points:
1. Put myself first - and it's not being selfish
2. Listen to my body - do what feels right for me (the mind is an expert at making up excuses)
3. Stop people pleasing
In the end, I guess I understand the phrase 'be authentic' a whole lot more now. It's a whole new journey for me to explore, but it feels right in my gut so -
Still, deepest gratitude for those around me who truly love and support me. Somehow somewhere I guess I have accumulated enough good karma to meet you guys. x
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