Realisations (Somewhat)

It came as a gradual realisation, as to what self love is. To be honest I didn't even label this whole emotional turmoil as lack of self love. I just thought of it as 'internal struggle', 'personal conflict', 'identity crisis' and so on. But I did not think of it that the reason all of this is happening is all due to lack of self love. And it's funny. Because I thought that I had already discovered that for myself. I thought I had already been very self-aware, knowing what my values are where my passion is what is my biggest dream, I had completely disregard the fact that people change as time changes, and completely forgotten the fact that there is nothing wrong with changes. I had tried so hard fitting myself into the frame I had molded myself  into, even when I no longer fit.

It is scary, when all along people all around me had been telling me to define myself, find out who am I, what is my personality my colours my fear. And I had done exactly that, because I am the kind of person who likes following instructions. But sometimes I wonder, is it me who follow the labels or the labels are the one following me. When we had already defined ourselves there doesn't seem to leave any rooms for changes. We have learnt all along change is the only truth.

Emotions are scary things too. To experience them or to deny them? On one hand there's a saying that emotions are just emotions there is no truth in them, on the other there's a saying that we should fully experience our emotions. I had always thought they were conflicting ideologies and in return, I tend to suppress all emotions except when necessary, then it will all come out like an exploding volcano. Don't let myself feel too much positive emotions - I will get addicted. Don't feel too much negative emotions - I will regret it. Neutral. Just be neutral. Bullshit I call that.

Previously I had written on how it could be an attention seeking behaviour - when I purposely don't take care of my own health and stress level and wait for others to remind me. Well I wanna put a stop to it. I am in my own hands and no one else. And nobody else can take care of me as well as myself.

"How would you feel if you truly, deeply and intimately loved your entire, gorgeous self?" When I already feel awkward hugging myself and loving myself, why would anyone else want to do that?

When you give and give and give and expect appreciation in return, well why would that happen if you don't appreciate yourself first?

I have been reading plenty of articles about self love and there are so many theories so many steps. So many books and movies out there. But I think what really struck me is three points:
1. Put myself first - and it's not being selfish
2. Listen to my body - do what feels right for me (the mind is an expert at making up excuses)
3. Stop people pleasing

In the end, I guess I understand the phrase 'be authentic' a whole lot more now. It's a whole new journey for me to explore, but it feels right in my gut so -

Still, deepest gratitude for those around me who truly love and support me. Somehow somewhere I guess I have accumulated enough good karma to meet you guys. x

Late Night Thoughts

Along the way I had lost myself.

What happened to the promise of being positive? Of looking on the bright side? Of not complaining? Of not self-pitying? Of self-love?

I think I chose to wallow over those issues, making myself or stressed out about it and wait for someone to tell me it's okay. I think I am making myself a mess on purpose. I think I put too much responsibility on myself on purpose. I think I self blame on purpose. All to draw more attention on myself - Oh look at this damsel in distress who needs rescuing. Pity her. Look how great she is still smiling and making jokes - while inside she is almost breaking under pressure. Look how capable she is. I want people to tell me that I am doing great, that it's ok to fail sometimes especially when I am handling so many stuff, that I shouldn't beat myself up when I am feeling demotivated or to put it crudely, lazy to accomplish some stuff. I elicit a pleasure in myself, when people lecture me to take more care of myself and stop beating myself up so much. I want all these reassurance, to fill a hole inside me that will never be filled. Why? Because the reassurance is not coming from me myself.

Who am I?

What we do everyday, it's a choice. Our actions, our thoughts. I had chose to let myself feel stressed out, I had chose to dwell on the issue instead of letting myself get to the solution, I had chose to self blame. I had chose to zoom in on the non-achievements and failed to recognise the achievements. I had chose to only think in terms of  'what could have been' instead of 'what is'. I had chose to not acknowledge my own strengths, and only wait for people to compliment me. I had chose to let myself feel guilty for things beyond my control.  I am so afraid of taking actions - for fear of failure or things not turning out as planned. Because this whole vicious cycle will start again.  I give myself a million excuses before I even started. In return I am burdening my own mind - because nobody can help me if I do not help myself. I am lucky enough to have friends and family who truly love me - who offer me advises and asking me to be free of my own thoughts, to let go of the pressure on myself. But didn't I choose to hold on to this pressure myself? You can be addicted to a certain kind of feeling, even though it's negative and bad as hell for you.

What happened to my promised personal values of Kindness, Courage and Positivity?

Why do my voice gets smaller every time I am stating my thoughts / expressing my true self to someone, as if I lack the confidence? I am already doubting myself - then who on earth will believe me?

Emotions are just emotions - feelings are just feelings. They do not control our life. Our actions do.

I want to change. I want to set myself free.

I need to know myself well enough, until there's no need for recognition from others.
I need to stop self pitying and self blaming - no amount of reassurance is going to help.
I need to carry out the planned actions, stop overthinking and just do it.
I need to stop feeling depressed every time I look at other people and think why am I not more like her/him and why do I not have this quality?

Most of all, I want to be happy. 

Still Looking

I guess when I keep mentioning to people that I am happy I am lying. Ok maybe not lying but the partial truth? There is always a sort of emptiness inside of me. The emptiness after separating with a friend after a particularly good conversation/hangout, the emptiness even if the hangout wasn't very good and I just wanna go back and fix something, the emptiness that leads me to continue checking all my platforms of social media even if there is no particular update, just to crave for that bit of connection.

Aren't human beings just weird? At the same time that I yearn to be alone, I am screaming for people around me not to leave me and just be there. At the same time that I wish people will ask me about my deep personal issues, I am hoping that they would not do just that. At the same time I wish to understand a person better, I am building walls from whom I don't know.

I am an awkward person, I admire those people who can start off conversations easily, especially those that can lead to deep ones. I am always not sure whether does the person want me to keep talking, or to just shut the hell up. See, some people are comfortable with silence. And how do we know for sure?

I am still looking. Still looking for the sort of human connection where - the person is super supportive and is not afraid of asking me anything. A person who asks tons of questions to me and about me. A person who is willing to listen, and above all, listen with no judgment. A person who loves me for who I am, and admire all my little quirks.A person who keeps striving to understand me better, a person who breaks all the walls around me even when I am unwilling. Cause god knows I will be super grateful once that person had done that.

 A person who I similarly understands well, and strives to understand better. A person who is not afraid to open up to me too. A person who I can feel infinitely comfortable with. A person who is real to me.

Still looking. But I guess I will have to be real to myself first. :)

Lately

Lately I realise I don't usually pen down my feelings anymore. I have learned to condense and simplify my feelings, into a single sentence, a short poem. I jot them down on random bits of papers and lose them, I share it on Facebook if I deem it passable. But most of the time, I swallow them.

Is it healthy to do this? I do not know. I do tend to forget a lot of stuff, a lot of reasons for feeling the way I feel sometimes, a lot of changes lost to myself.

But no matter what is it I am glad I had learned to be happier. Comparing myself to my last post in two years ago, I am much happier. I have closer friends now, I form deeper relationships, I am working on something that actually brings impact to the society, which is something I really wanted to do. But I do not know why, sometimes I still like feeling sad, I still like shutting myself out of the world and watch it pass me by as an outsider. Lately I am thinking that 'being emo' is my default mode. And the others are just additional settings.

Lately I am beginning to wonder, as I go through all these huge changes in my life, as I try to transform myself to be the best of me, am I losing sight of what's really important? Am I rushing through life I forgotten to appreciate the little things around me? And I am so eager for the perfect end of my transformation that I forgotten about myself? My feelings, my emotions, my soul, my body. Am I not taking enough notice of whatever else is going on in my life? Am I forgetting my true self?

For you see, that's the thing that I am dreading the most.

Frustrated

I felt like crying, really, when I failed to pass the hill for the second time. I failed. The car just won’t go over that hill and ugh, I felt, feel frustrated and angry at myself. Not to mention guilty too, for wasting a load of my father’s money. 250 per test is not exactly cheap, is it? And times three that amount! I had no problem during practices. In fact, I did perfectly. I don’t know why during exams I just panic and…. I’m not sure what I did wrong, though I think is that in my panic I pressed the clutch back down again when I released the handbrake, and I had specifically reminded myself not to do that. I could have cried, in fact I did. I felt like a total failure and disappointment. My sister passed hers perfectly the first time round, and my brother passed his bukit and stuff the first time round too! What’s wrong with me? Worse, my confidence level drops with each time I failed. The first time I felt fairly confident and ended up shaking after I ‘slip back down’, and this time… I felt dejected. It’s not quite a blow as the first time like some tiny part of me had already accepted it but oh, I just want to do it all over again! Tear up that piece of paper in frustration! I wish I could have some practice with the car first before the test, every car’s different right? But there really isn't any point in grumbling anymore. All I can now do is concentrate and hope the next time I can really pass. Please please please. It feels horrible not passing. Like it’s hanging above your head, a great big cloud, nibbling away at the back of your mind while you wait for your next exam. It’s awful! I feel horrible! I know I shouldn't over think too much. I should be confident with myself after so many hours of practice. Just relax and most importantly, don’t panic! Take it slow and easy. Yeah. Easier said than done. Oh god, I shouldn't be so negative. I can pass. I have to pass. I know I will pass. Yes, that’s better. The odd thing is, after failing this second time, I feel oddly calm. Maybe it’s a good sign, showing that I know what to do the next time. I have learnt more by failing. Pfft, just wish that it doesn’t cost this much. Well, three times lucky, they say. Meanwhile, I’m keeping my fingers cross while licking my wounds.

幼稚

人是十分丑陋的动物。当你忙着安慰人家时，你心里正暗爽着幸好这不是我。当你做一些较为特出些的东西时你忙着向人炫耀。你会假装不经意， 假装没什么大不了，但你会等着听到别人的赞美，等着觉得自己很特别。真的吗？是啊，你拿别人没拿的试卷，你比别人多考一科。当别人在忙着庆祝自由时你会装模做样，好像很可怜那样一直重复着你还须考一科，不，你会说唉你还不能庆祝，等着别人问你为什么，然后同情你，等着他们虚伪的加油。这样你都开心？你告诉完了全世界可谁会记得你？你考完试后忙着拍书桌的照片，忙着大声地宣布着你下一刻会做什么。甚至连考着试时，忙着说怎么办啊，还没读完，或者数着还有多少科还没读。当你在休息或玩游戏时，就不忘了向大家炫耀瞧自己根本都没读书，而且这还是大考呢！你会拼命地说很惭愧，觉得自己整天什么也没做。呵，你可不忘了告诉全世界。别人问起你时会你会哎哟，什么也没读啊，好紧张啊。考到好成绩时可不见得你这样做。当别人跟你做一模一样的东西时，你会说，骗人的，你一定是在拼命读书，我才是真正最轻松自在的人。嗯等下，我必须通知所有人才好。到头来，还是一句话，可由谁在乎你呢？ 我只知道我过着自己的生活，可无暇通知所有人，更无暇理你的呢。

Emotions

SPM is nearing and is messing with my emotions, I can tell. I just snapped at people even though they didn't technically did anything wrong - and feel terribly guilty afterwards. I get annoyed easily - or is it I'm usually like that? I'm always feeling prickly round my body and can't settle down doing anything. I keep thinking about stuff, and sad stuff too. I keep telling myself to calm down but to no avail. In the end, I just kept wasting time while mourning about life.

Sounded so depressed. I stare at myself in the mirror and wonder why can't I be pretty. I look at my pictures and sigh at my less-than-good looks. I feel so out of place in this world full of pretty people. I feel frustrated knowing I can't change how I look, which means I can't turn into a beauty. I know beauty is only skin deep but how I wish that someone would praise me, for once. Say that I'm beautiful, make me feel beautiful. I avoid staring myself at the mirror and only give it a necessary glance, once in a while. I dislike taking pictures and even flinch at them, sometimes. When would I ever turn heads in the street ? When would people automatically talk to me because they think I'm pretty? I don't want to be a conventional beauty, but I would like to be beautiful. Let's face it, who doesn't? But life's always unfair. So many people seem to be blessed with good looks, or gain them as they hit puberty but not me. Nobody would pair the word pretty or gorgeous with me. Nobody would glance at me twice on a street. No random stranger would want to take a picture with me or even try to chat me up. I know I should be grateful that at least I'm living without any disabilities but.... Why do people has to be so greedy?