Had a talk with my sister yesterday and it did really help to put things into perspective. I overthink and am too self-aware it's putting so much pressure on myself. To realise she don't see me 90% of how I see myself.. It's uplifting.
I have the ability to control my life including my thoughts. If I feel the emotion, feel it, get over it and move on.
I am worth.
I am who I am and I am not defined by what I do / say / act / think.
It's ok to make mistakes. It's ok for people to dislike me. Face the fear.
Issues are not a checklist you can tick off. There will always be more. It's how I face them and accept them as part & parcel of life.
People who love me love me for who I am.
People who love me will never give up on me as long as I don't give up on myself no matter how frustrated they get during the process.
Values: Love, Trust and Humbleness
Love - loving and accepting myself including all the ugly parts truly whole-heartedly
Trust - trust in the process, trust people who love me, trust in myself
Humbleness - just be myself my naked self, without ego and whatever image I have of myself in my head
I think my self-love journey had just taken on another turn.
"How would you feel if you truly, deeply and intimately loved your entire gorgeous self?"
Wednesday, August 09, 2017
Monday, August 07, 2017
Things I Am Still Worried About Which I Probably Shouldn't
Have you ever feel like your brain is a tangled of wire? And you just don't know what to do anymore. So many things to do and things will be solved if you just do. But do what? I can open a document and stare blankly at it for ages. I can make a bunch of lists and then suddenly feeling lost and don't think it's practical and wanna redo the whole thing. I feel scared, when someone suddenly tell me something else I have to do.
I thought I had overcome the mental block I had already. Who am I kidding? The feeling is still there, very present.
The truth is, I am soooo tired. So tired of always doing the right things, so tired of having so many ideas in my head but nobody seems to want to make it work (yes I know about the circle of influence thing just let me rant), so tired of living life carefully (say the right things to not offend people but please be yourself), so tired of keep wanting to improve myself, so tired of sleeping so much yet still feeling tired, so tired of feeling tired.
I thought I had already taken my well-deserved break and I should be okay already. I feel guilty when I am not. I can't afford more time off.
I am watching the enormous pile of things I am yet to get done, and I am feeling helpless. I know what to do generally but when it comes to the details part I hit a blank. So many ways I can do it but which is the best way the perfect way? The way that saves the most effort. Still a perfectionist, buried under a layer of pretend flippancy.
I desperately need a routine.
I had been doing so many stuff - talking to people reading articles watching video reading books exercising - but do any of this really help?
I want back my clarity. Last week had been hell. It may continue to be, but I have to keep fighting for myself. Tomorrow's a new day.
I want back my clarity. Last week had been hell. It may continue to be, but I have to keep fighting for myself. Tomorrow's a new day.
Friday, August 04, 2017
Self - Love
This is a tricky topic. But I still wanna try writing about it haha. Why tricky? Because it has been talked about too many times on too many different platforms, some people say it's overrated; the older generation thinks it's the younger generation's issue to deal with - when survival is no longer primitive, we purposely find other issues to confuse ourselves with. But that's a theory that I have heard of as well - the uncomfortable feeling we have when we push ourselves out of our comfort zone, it's the same uncomfortable feeling when the very first humans sense that there was danger around them. It makes them more alert to the surrounding and ready to fight off adversity. When we live in safer and more comfortable environment now, the feeling doesn't go away but transfer to more minute things instead.
But all in all, I think "self-love" is still something very personal, and like what I heard before from someone, it really depends on our own definition of it. What do we need right now? Self-love is after all not a destination but a journey. It's a conscious choice we make everyday. It's a practice, a behaviour, a habit. But it shouldn't be burdensome.
What does self-love means to me? Now, what I think I need most is actually more self compassion. Be as kind to myself as I do to other people. How?
1. By stop doubting my decisions (believe in myself)
2. By stop beating myself up when things don't go the way I planned (stop self-blaming basically)
A lot of times I had struggled with myself to be politically correct - but what if there is no right or wrong there just is? Promising myself to journal more is also a way for me to put things into perspective, and to be more authentic. I think I owe myself that.
But all in all, I think "self-love" is still something very personal, and like what I heard before from someone, it really depends on our own definition of it. What do we need right now? Self-love is after all not a destination but a journey. It's a conscious choice we make everyday. It's a practice, a behaviour, a habit. But it shouldn't be burdensome.
What does self-love means to me? Now, what I think I need most is actually more self compassion. Be as kind to myself as I do to other people. How?
1. By stop doubting my decisions (believe in myself)
2. By stop beating myself up when things don't go the way I planned (stop self-blaming basically)
A lot of times I had struggled with myself to be politically correct - but what if there is no right or wrong there just is? Promising myself to journal more is also a way for me to put things into perspective, and to be more authentic. I think I owe myself that.
Thursday, August 03, 2017
Realisations (Somewhat)
It came as a gradual realisation, as to what self love is. To be honest I didn't even label this whole emotional turmoil as lack of self love. I just thought of it as 'internal struggle', 'personal conflict', 'identity crisis' and so on. But I did not think of it that the reason all of this is happening is all due to lack of self love. And it's funny. Because I thought that I had already discovered that for myself. I thought I had already been very self-aware, knowing what my values are where my passion is what is my biggest dream, I had completely disregard the fact that people change as time changes, and completely forgotten the fact that there is nothing wrong with changes. I had tried so hard fitting myself into the frame I had molded myself into, even when I no longer fit.
It is scary, when all along people all around me had been telling me to define myself, find out who am I, what is my personality my colours my fear. And I had done exactly that, because I am the kind of person who likes following instructions. But sometimes I wonder, is it me who follow the labels or the labels are the one following me. When we had already defined ourselves there doesn't seem to leave any rooms for changes. We have learnt all along change is the only truth.
Emotions are scary things too. To experience them or to deny them? On one hand there's a saying that emotions are just emotions there is no truth in them, on the other there's a saying that we should fully experience our emotions. I had always thought they were conflicting ideologies and in return, I tend to suppress all emotions except when necessary, then it will all come out like an exploding volcano. Don't let myself feel too much positive emotions - I will get addicted. Don't feel too much negative emotions - I will regret it. Neutral. Just be neutral. Bullshit I call that.
Previously I had written on how it could be an attention seeking behaviour - when I purposely don't take care of my own health and stress level and wait for others to remind me. Well I wanna put a stop to it. I am in my own hands and no one else. And nobody else can take care of me as well as myself.
"How would you feel if you truly, deeply and intimately loved your entire, gorgeous self?" When I already feel awkward hugging myself and loving myself, why would anyone else want to do that?
When you give and give and give and expect appreciation in return, well why would that happen if you don't appreciate yourself first?
I have been reading plenty of articles about self love and there are so many theories so many steps. So many books and movies out there. But I think what really struck me is three points:
1. Put myself first - and it's not being selfish
2. Listen to my body - do what feels right for me (the mind is an expert at making up excuses)
3. Stop people pleasing
In the end, I guess I understand the phrase 'be authentic' a whole lot more now. It's a whole new journey for me to explore, but it feels right in my gut so -
Still, deepest gratitude for those around me who truly love and support me. Somehow somewhere I guess I have accumulated enough good karma to meet you guys. x
It is scary, when all along people all around me had been telling me to define myself, find out who am I, what is my personality my colours my fear. And I had done exactly that, because I am the kind of person who likes following instructions. But sometimes I wonder, is it me who follow the labels or the labels are the one following me. When we had already defined ourselves there doesn't seem to leave any rooms for changes. We have learnt all along change is the only truth.
Emotions are scary things too. To experience them or to deny them? On one hand there's a saying that emotions are just emotions there is no truth in them, on the other there's a saying that we should fully experience our emotions. I had always thought they were conflicting ideologies and in return, I tend to suppress all emotions except when necessary, then it will all come out like an exploding volcano. Don't let myself feel too much positive emotions - I will get addicted. Don't feel too much negative emotions - I will regret it. Neutral. Just be neutral. Bullshit I call that.
Previously I had written on how it could be an attention seeking behaviour - when I purposely don't take care of my own health and stress level and wait for others to remind me. Well I wanna put a stop to it. I am in my own hands and no one else. And nobody else can take care of me as well as myself.
"How would you feel if you truly, deeply and intimately loved your entire, gorgeous self?" When I already feel awkward hugging myself and loving myself, why would anyone else want to do that?
When you give and give and give and expect appreciation in return, well why would that happen if you don't appreciate yourself first?
I have been reading plenty of articles about self love and there are so many theories so many steps. So many books and movies out there. But I think what really struck me is three points:
1. Put myself first - and it's not being selfish
2. Listen to my body - do what feels right for me (the mind is an expert at making up excuses)
3. Stop people pleasing
In the end, I guess I understand the phrase 'be authentic' a whole lot more now. It's a whole new journey for me to explore, but it feels right in my gut so -
Still, deepest gratitude for those around me who truly love and support me. Somehow somewhere I guess I have accumulated enough good karma to meet you guys. x
Tuesday, July 18, 2017
Late Night Thoughts
Along the way I had lost myself.
What happened to the promise of being positive? Of looking on the bright side? Of not complaining? Of not self-pitying? Of self-love?
I think I chose to wallow over those issues, making myself or stressed out about it and wait for someone to tell me it's okay. I think I am making myself a mess on purpose. I think I put too much responsibility on myself on purpose. I think I self blame on purpose. All to draw more attention on myself - Oh look at this damsel in distress who needs rescuing. Pity her. Look how great she is still smiling and making jokes - while inside she is almost breaking under pressure. Look how capable she is. I want people to tell me that I am doing great, that it's ok to fail sometimes especially when I am handling so many stuff, that I shouldn't beat myself up when I am feeling demotivated or to put it crudely, lazy to accomplish some stuff. I elicit a pleasure in myself, when people lecture me to take more care of myself and stop beating myself up so much. I want all these reassurance, to fill a hole inside me that will never be filled. Why? Because the reassurance is not coming from me myself.
Who am I?
What we do everyday, it's a choice. Our actions, our thoughts. I had chose to let myself feel stressed out, I had chose to dwell on the issue instead of letting myself get to the solution, I had chose to self blame. I had chose to zoom in on the non-achievements and failed to recognise the achievements. I had chose to only think in terms of 'what could have been' instead of 'what is'. I had chose to not acknowledge my own strengths, and only wait for people to compliment me. I had chose to let myself feel guilty for things beyond my control. I am so afraid of taking actions - for fear of failure or things not turning out as planned. Because this whole vicious cycle will start again. I give myself a million excuses before I even started. In return I am burdening my own mind - because nobody can help me if I do not help myself. I am lucky enough to have friends and family who truly love me - who offer me advises and asking me to be free of my own thoughts, to let go of the pressure on myself. But didn't I choose to hold on to this pressure myself? You can be addicted to a certain kind of feeling, even though it's negative and bad as hell for you.
What happened to my promised personal values of Kindness, Courage and Positivity?
Why do my voice gets smaller every time I am stating my thoughts / expressing my true self to someone, as if I lack the confidence? I am already doubting myself - then who on earth will believe me?
Emotions are just emotions - feelings are just feelings. They do not control our life. Our actions do.
I want to change. I want to set myself free.
I need to know myself well enough, until there's no need for recognition from others.
I need to stop self pitying and self blaming - no amount of reassurance is going to help.
I need to carry out the planned actions, stop overthinking and just do it.
I need to stop feeling depressed every time I look at other people and think why am I not more like her/him and why do I not have this quality?
What happened to the promise of being positive? Of looking on the bright side? Of not complaining? Of not self-pitying? Of self-love?
I think I chose to wallow over those issues, making myself or stressed out about it and wait for someone to tell me it's okay. I think I am making myself a mess on purpose. I think I put too much responsibility on myself on purpose. I think I self blame on purpose. All to draw more attention on myself - Oh look at this damsel in distress who needs rescuing. Pity her. Look how great she is still smiling and making jokes - while inside she is almost breaking under pressure. Look how capable she is. I want people to tell me that I am doing great, that it's ok to fail sometimes especially when I am handling so many stuff, that I shouldn't beat myself up when I am feeling demotivated or to put it crudely, lazy to accomplish some stuff. I elicit a pleasure in myself, when people lecture me to take more care of myself and stop beating myself up so much. I want all these reassurance, to fill a hole inside me that will never be filled. Why? Because the reassurance is not coming from me myself.
Who am I?
What we do everyday, it's a choice. Our actions, our thoughts. I had chose to let myself feel stressed out, I had chose to dwell on the issue instead of letting myself get to the solution, I had chose to self blame. I had chose to zoom in on the non-achievements and failed to recognise the achievements. I had chose to only think in terms of 'what could have been' instead of 'what is'. I had chose to not acknowledge my own strengths, and only wait for people to compliment me. I had chose to let myself feel guilty for things beyond my control. I am so afraid of taking actions - for fear of failure or things not turning out as planned. Because this whole vicious cycle will start again. I give myself a million excuses before I even started. In return I am burdening my own mind - because nobody can help me if I do not help myself. I am lucky enough to have friends and family who truly love me - who offer me advises and asking me to be free of my own thoughts, to let go of the pressure on myself. But didn't I choose to hold on to this pressure myself? You can be addicted to a certain kind of feeling, even though it's negative and bad as hell for you.
What happened to my promised personal values of Kindness, Courage and Positivity?
Why do my voice gets smaller every time I am stating my thoughts / expressing my true self to someone, as if I lack the confidence? I am already doubting myself - then who on earth will believe me?
Emotions are just emotions - feelings are just feelings. They do not control our life. Our actions do.
I want to change. I want to set myself free.
I need to know myself well enough, until there's no need for recognition from others.
I need to stop self pitying and self blaming - no amount of reassurance is going to help.
I need to carry out the planned actions, stop overthinking and just do it.
I need to stop feeling depressed every time I look at other people and think why am I not more like her/him and why do I not have this quality?
Most of all, I want to be happy.
Monday, December 12, 2016
Still Looking
I guess when I keep mentioning to people that I am happy I am lying. Ok maybe not lying but the partial truth? There is always a sort of emptiness inside of me. The emptiness after separating with a friend after a particularly good conversation/hangout, the emptiness even if the hangout wasn't very good and I just wanna go back and fix something, the emptiness that leads me to continue checking all my platforms of social media even if there is no particular update, just to crave for that bit of connection.
Aren't human beings just weird? At the same time that I yearn to be alone, I am screaming for people around me not to leave me and just be there. At the same time that I wish people will ask me about my deep personal issues, I am hoping that they would not do just that. At the same time I wish to understand a person better, I am building walls from whom I don't know.
I am an awkward person, I admire those people who can start off conversations easily, especially those that can lead to deep ones. I am always not sure whether does the person want me to keep talking, or to just shut the hell up. See, some people are comfortable with silence. And how do we know for sure?
I am still looking. Still looking for the sort of human connection where - the person is super supportive and is not afraid of asking me anything. A person who asks tons of questions to me and about me. A person who is willing to listen, and above all, listen with no judgment. A person who loves me for who I am, and admire all my little quirks.A person who keeps striving to understand me better, a person who breaks all the walls around me even when I am unwilling. Cause god knows I will be super grateful once that person had done that.
A person who I similarly understands well, and strives to understand better. A person who is not afraid to open up to me too. A person who I can feel infinitely comfortable with. A person who is real to me.
Still looking. But I guess I will have to be real to myself first. :)
Aren't human beings just weird? At the same time that I yearn to be alone, I am screaming for people around me not to leave me and just be there. At the same time that I wish people will ask me about my deep personal issues, I am hoping that they would not do just that. At the same time I wish to understand a person better, I am building walls from whom I don't know.
I am an awkward person, I admire those people who can start off conversations easily, especially those that can lead to deep ones. I am always not sure whether does the person want me to keep talking, or to just shut the hell up. See, some people are comfortable with silence. And how do we know for sure?
I am still looking. Still looking for the sort of human connection where - the person is super supportive and is not afraid of asking me anything. A person who asks tons of questions to me and about me. A person who is willing to listen, and above all, listen with no judgment. A person who loves me for who I am, and admire all my little quirks.A person who keeps striving to understand me better, a person who breaks all the walls around me even when I am unwilling. Cause god knows I will be super grateful once that person had done that.
A person who I similarly understands well, and strives to understand better. A person who is not afraid to open up to me too. A person who I can feel infinitely comfortable with. A person who is real to me.
Still looking. But I guess I will have to be real to myself first. :)
Sunday, December 11, 2016
Lately
Lately I realise I don't usually pen down my feelings anymore. I have learned to condense and simplify my feelings, into a single sentence, a short poem. I jot them down on random bits of papers and lose them, I share it on Facebook if I deem it passable. But most of the time, I swallow them.
Is it healthy to do this? I do not know. I do tend to forget a lot of stuff, a lot of reasons for feeling the way I feel sometimes, a lot of changes lost to myself.
But no matter what is it I am glad I had learned to be happier. Comparing myself to my last post in two years ago, I am much happier. I have closer friends now, I form deeper relationships, I am working on something that actually brings impact to the society, which is something I really wanted to do. But I do not know why, sometimes I still like feeling sad, I still like shutting myself out of the world and watch it pass me by as an outsider. Lately I am thinking that 'being emo' is my default mode. And the others are just additional settings.
Lately I am beginning to wonder, as I go through all these huge changes in my life, as I try to transform myself to be the best of me, am I losing sight of what's really important? Am I rushing through life I forgotten to appreciate the little things around me? And I am so eager for the perfect end of my transformation that I forgotten about myself? My feelings, my emotions, my soul, my body. Am I not taking enough notice of whatever else is going on in my life? Am I forgetting my true self?
For you see, that's the thing that I am dreading the most.
Is it healthy to do this? I do not know. I do tend to forget a lot of stuff, a lot of reasons for feeling the way I feel sometimes, a lot of changes lost to myself.
But no matter what is it I am glad I had learned to be happier. Comparing myself to my last post in two years ago, I am much happier. I have closer friends now, I form deeper relationships, I am working on something that actually brings impact to the society, which is something I really wanted to do. But I do not know why, sometimes I still like feeling sad, I still like shutting myself out of the world and watch it pass me by as an outsider. Lately I am thinking that 'being emo' is my default mode. And the others are just additional settings.
Lately I am beginning to wonder, as I go through all these huge changes in my life, as I try to transform myself to be the best of me, am I losing sight of what's really important? Am I rushing through life I forgotten to appreciate the little things around me? And I am so eager for the perfect end of my transformation that I forgotten about myself? My feelings, my emotions, my soul, my body. Am I not taking enough notice of whatever else is going on in my life? Am I forgetting my true self?
For you see, that's the thing that I am dreading the most.
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