Repeat

Suffocate...

I have learned to recognise this feeling, and it no longer scares me anymore. Just a minor nuisance, and all I have to do is to not pay any attention to it, continue doing whatever I am doing, and eventually it will go away.

My mum,

The strongest woman I have ever know. Despite her many many flaws (because who doesn't have them) she is still so wonderfully strong. Her depth of positivity is amazing. The procedures she had undergo the pain and aches she suffers everyday the attitude from dad she has to put up with... And yet still being so loving and kind and patient towards her children, putting up with all these 'nuisance' from me. I love her so much.

Learn to listen to your inner voice, stop seeking for advice. Your body knows best, you know best. Life is full of unknown and it can be scary but yet it can be exciting as well. There's always two sides of the coin, it's where you choose to look at that matters.

And I am glad I met you.

Just a random thought, maybe I can write a true raw account of how I overcome this.

Challenge

When even the simplest of tasks became a challenge you have to face each day, and even going to class requires great courage, your daily life has become an obstacle course. And it's interesting, and very rewarding at the same time when by the end of the day, you're tucked in all warm and snuggly in bed and you think to yourself, thank you for going through the day, thank you for being strong, you are one step better towards a better you. (before the sleep anxiety kicks in that is, but let's not go into there now). Daily living has become a survival skill, and at the back of my mind, I can't help but to wonder can I do more? I used to do so much more than this.

Drawing bounderies, recognising self-worth. Depends on where you stand it can be seen as self-love or selfish. 'If you love yourself you wouldn't want to let yourself continue feeling this way.' True.

Just because I can't do this doesn't mean I am worse than the other. I can, just I don't want to. And I can do other stuff instead - eg letting go and self love. I am brave. I am braver and stronger than I think I am.

This may seem like reassurance. But it's true.

I am no longer defined by my achievements, positions nor title. I am no longer defined by people's perspectives on me or how much they like me. I am defined by the things I enjoy doing. I am defined by all the tiny little things that makes me, me. And all those little things are so beautiful.

From me to me,
I see the road begin to climb
I see your stars begin to shine
I see your colours and I'm dying of thirst
All I know
Is that I love you so
So much that it hurts

From me to me, I love you.

Laughter is the best medicine. Everyone has got their own story. Nobody is better than the other. What we need in this world is a little bit more love. Enjoy the little things in life. Be grateful to be alive. Things so common we hear on a daily basis means so different to me now.

How would it be like when you truly, intimately love yourself? You feel, whole.

Stories of Growth

Realisations while jogging:

1. The thing about self-awareness is not to only let you be aware of your strengths and weaknesses, but to yes, be aware, but to not let it define you. As everything can be changed if you put your heart to it. In a society where everyone is fighting for attention and wanting to be special, the biggest freedom you can give yourself is to know that you are more than those labels and descriptions others or even yourself, put on you. You are not your weakness.

2. Rarely help will come in the form of a nicely-wrapped package and landing neatly on the front of your doorsteps. They can come in the form of heavy rain and thunder, in the form of cotton candy so wispy you can hardly feel it, in the form of rocks with hidden gems or even doesn't come at all. You just have to search for it hard enough, or to ask for it when it's not given. For indeed, the only person who can help you is yourself.

3. Success stories more like finally-overcoming-a-lot-of-challenges-and-obstacles-to-reach-a-new-stage-of-growth-just-to-face-with-even-more-challenges-but-the-thing-that-makes-the-process-so-rewarding-is-when-you-see-how-much-you-have-grown stories.

Victories

Everyday is a series of mini victory for me. When eating, sleeping, waking up and getting ready for class is a challenge - well it deserves a celebration with everything I have accomplished. I am scared of all the endless possibilities that may happen in life, and I have not yet fully embrace the unknown, but I am on my way. I keep asking myself if I wasn't so self aware in the first place will I be better? But the answer is yes, maybe, for now, you will be happier, but eventually sooner of later these things will surface, and better to learn how to face it sooner rather than later don't you think? Because your genetics is marked up for it already, and better learn how to deal with it now when I still have the space for development rather than when I am starting to work already. Yes it's tough yes it's difficult but the results will be so worth it in the future. I am going to be such a mentally strong and authentic person. The things that I already knew before, I know it again now, with deeper realisations. Yes it's scary yes it's huge but when you feel fear, embrace it, examine it and if guided to do so, move towards it. I will be better I will get better.

Anyways, a really helpful website I have found http://anxietynetwork.com/content/coping-statements-anxiety.

My personal favourites:

First, use thought stoppage.  Be gentle but firm about it.

"STOP! These thoughts are not good for me.  They are not healthy or helpful thoughts, and I have decided to move in a better direction and learn to think differently."  (You are reminding and reinforcing your brain each and every time you make this rational and realistic statement.)

1. I’m going to be all right. My feelings are not always rational.  I’m just going to relax, calm down, and everything will be all right.

2. Anxiety is not dangerous -- it’s just uncomfortable.  I am fine; I’ll just continue with what I’m doing or find something more active to do.

3. Right now I have some feelings I don’t like.  They are really just phantoms, however, because they are disappearing.  I will be fine.

6. I’ve stopped my negative thoughts before and I’m going to do it again now.  I am becoming better and better at deflecting these automatic negative thoughts (ANTs) and that makes me happy.

7. So I feel a little anxiety now, SO WHAT?  It’s not like it’s the first time.  I am going to take some nice deep breaths and keep on going.  This will help me continue to get better.

1. I’ve done this before so I know I can do it again.
1. I can be anxious and still focus on the task at hand.  As I focus on the task, my anxiety will go down.

3. The feeling I have about this event doesn’t make much sense.  This anxiety is like a mirage in the desert.  I’ll just continue to "walk" forward until I pass right through it.

4. This may seem hard now, but it will become easier and easier over time.

5. I think I have more control over these thoughts and feelings than I once imagined.  I am very gently going to turn away from my old feelings and move in a new, better direction.

2. Anxiety is a old habit pattern that my body responds to.  I am going to calmly and nicely change this old habit.  I feel a little bit of peace, despite my anxiety, and this peace is going to grow and grow.  As my peace and security grow, then anxiety and panic will have to shrink.

3. At first, my anxiety was powerful and scary, but as time goes by it doesn’t have the hold on me that I once thought it had.  I am moving forward gently and nicely all the time.

4. I don’t need to fight my feelings.  I realize that these feelings won’t be allowed to stay around very much longer.  I just accept my new feelings of peace, contentment, security, and confidence.

5. All these things that are happening to me seem overwhelming.  But I’ve caught myself this time and I refuse to focus on these things.  Instead, I’m going to talk slowly to myself, focus away from my problem, and continue with what I have to do.  In this way, my anxiety will have to shrink away and disappear.

Jiayou, you are not your anxiety. 

Somehow I imagine this situation as that time when my face has lots of pimples. Imagine pimples are anxiety, and clear patch of skin is peace. I am super happy everytime there's a clear patch of skin, no matter how small, and I will focus on that to make it grow and grow. Because I know when the clear patch of skin grows, it must mean the pimples are getting lesser, and in this situation means I have more peace and less anxiety. Yes sometimes pimples will still grow back on the clear patches of skin, and I will get very upset about it, and will think that I will never have clear skin ever again, but look, my skin is all clear now, only with minor pimple problems, and if I had did it once, I will do it again. No matter how long it takes, eventually I will be there. Just like when I tried out a lot of different methods to treat my skin issue, now I also have a lot of different methods to treat my anxiety issue. If plan A doesn't work, there's always plan B, C, D. I just have to be patient, and keep exploring and experimenting, and see what method suits me best. It's not even a problem, just a minor hiccup that I have encountered in life which I will keep trying to resolve it. And before I know it and without me conciously realising it (just like my skin issue), the issues will melt away. :)

I love myself so much in this moment. 

Monsters

I am so afraid of typing my thoughts out it seems like I am afraid of my thoughts. I never knew that this fear can get so scary, it literally eats me up inside. But I know I am bigger than this, I am better than this, and I am on the right path. Screw those who thinks this path is the 'easy' one, and that I am 'escaping from my fears'. Come and see me and tell me whether am I escaping. I am facing it, head on, and for that I applaud myself. This requires so much courage, more than I had ever forseen. I am glad I did it I really am. Just need time for my body and heart to catch up. I feel relieved when I am typing this post out. But when I stop, when my fingers stop, the fear strikes back. But I gotta keep moving keep moving. The only truth in life is everything changes. And I will come out of it stronger, better, and more beautiful than ever.

Love myself. Love the me. I deserve unconditional love for all that I had done. Knowing it and experiencing it is so different.

This is the right choice for me. I was losing myself. I was becoming lifeless, soulless, unhappy, stuck, depressed, lonely. Yes I could have reached out to feel better but everyone knows I am sick of it. Sick of all those shit and sick of who I have become in that organisation. Breaking free. Of course it bloody hell hurts, I am ripping out a part of me, a part which I had harbour for so long and I believe that it is the best part of me. I expected this but I never expect it will come on so strongly. Of course I will feel sad. Of course I will feel empty. But these feelings won't last. I am better than this.

I can feel myself making more lame jokes in class today and it's true. it feels liberating. I know myself the best and what's best for me. other people can give me tons of opinions but this is my life. I know I still have to deal with all these. I never expected it to be easy. but easier said than done. just because I leave this position doesn't mean everything will go away just like that, a lot of work still needs to be done. but I am on the right track I really am. "I have to learn how to recognise myself without this organisation, because up till now this organisation means the world to me, and it's what I use to define myself. I fear that my self esteem will crumble when I leave this organisation" - what I said to veron few days ago. I am taking ownership towards my own life. I am making decisions. I am being responsible. and of course it's scary. I hadn't listen to myself for so long, so this is my 'punishment'. I choose to take responsibility, and face the consequences of my actions.

I was embracing my fear when I step up to it. Now I am embracing again when I let it go.

If I persist on, I will continuously be unhappy and maybe even breakdown halfway. Here's what people say:
Eva - this decision takes more courage than leaving. a lot of stupid reasons to leave but this is not one of them. as long as you know you are making this choice for yourself and not because you are afraid you won't do a good job. always welcome you back. better to have you happy and healthy contributing back to the society wherever you are compared to have you trapped and unhappy at that position
Wasim - you look so lost ever since you were elected. now you look happier, and for that I am happy for you
Ziying - listen to you. how many times have you used the word 'scared' and 'afraid'. you feel like you are losing control of your life. but this is life, with uncertainties. this is part of growing up. you actually smiled when you wrote that. you already know what you truly wants. remember that feeling of dread when that water was poured on you? stop rushing, stop wanting things fast. the more you rush the worse it's gonna be.
Bonnie - I can see the lifeless look in your eyes. I didn't dare to say it for fear of sounding biased but yes, I believe this is truly the right choice for you.
Jenny - do what you want to do. sleep when you feel like sleeping.
Veron - trust the process.
Govi - as long as there's no doubt, then it's fine. (and I am sure)
Awish - best of luck in your problem. overcome it (when he doesn't even have a single clue of what's going on)
Kawo - happy for you
Everyone - listen to your heart, what it really wants. we love you. (I can feel it)

I had brought a huge lesson for everyone, and in a way it's good too.

• listen to your heart
• don't take things personally. often when a thing happen is not one person's contribution (you are not that great/influential) it's often a result of many little things
• life is full of changes
• 10 years from now, will it matter? if no, then why keep stuck in it?
• enjoy the ride of life

Now that I have actually calmed down, my fears seemed so silly. Laugh it off. 

Takes Time

Why does it feel so hard to let go - if it's the right choice for me? Because I am changing my belief, learning to trust myself and my instinct. It's unknown and it's scary, of course I am afraid. I am always looking for advice and solution from people and get frustrated when it doesn't work. Of course it doesn't because nobody knows it better than myself. Nobody knows me better than myself and I choose to respect that if I wish everyone else can respect that. Why am I afraid of talking to her? Is it the same reason as with ajie? Hmm because I am afraid of being not good enough of not doing the right things, well scared, afraid, fear, these three words I use a lot. Learn to trust my self and my instinct. My body is already giving me a big warning signal. If I don't face it - nobody else will.

My method? Not your method. Even she herself said that already my god. -_- Figure out what works best for you, prioritise myself. Don't have to justify or feel the need to please. Spending time with people I love and who loves me, gain back my energy.

It's not whether can I or can I not, it's want or don't want.

It no longer mean the same thing to me and it's ok.

This struggling feeling is TEMPORARY. 无常.

One step at a time, nobody is rushing you.

Look around you, so much love so much support, means you have been doing something right in your life at least.

Love Documentation

Family
- listening to all my worries and musings and being so patient
- preparing good food and good stuff for me to bring back
- hugs
- doing all they can in their capabilities to make me feel comfortable and happy

Coursemates
- helpful and supportive
- encouraging

Friends
- being my listener and consultant
- never pushing me for decision and never showing signs of impatient
- allow me to be myself
- sharing experience
- not judging

You
- always there when I need
- make me happy
- not getting frustrated with me
- allowing me to be myself
- loving me

If I can just forget about my goddamn ego, and ground myself to earth more.

If I love myself enough, I wouldn't continue to let myself feel so shitty.

Responsible for my actions and decisions. Made a mistake? Admit it, amend it (within capabilities), and move on. Simple.