Repeat

Suffocate...

I have learned to recognise this feeling, and it no longer scares me anymore. Just a minor nuisance, and all I have to do is to not pay any attention to it, continue doing whatever I am doing, and eventually it will go away.

My mum,

The strongest woman I have ever know. Despite her many many flaws (because who doesn't have them) she is still so wonderfully strong. Her depth of positivity is amazing. The procedures she had undergo the pain and aches she suffers everyday the attitude from dad she has to put up with... And yet still being so loving and kind and patient towards her children, putting up with all these 'nuisance' from me. I love her so much.

Learn to listen to your inner voice, stop seeking for advice. Your body knows best, you know best. Life is full of unknown and it can be scary but yet it can be exciting as well. There's always two sides of the coin, it's where you choose to look at that matters.

And I am glad I met you.

Just a random thought, maybe I can write a true raw account of how I overcome this.

Challenge

When even the simplest of tasks became a challenge you have to face each day, and even going to class requires great courage, your daily life has become an obstacle course. And it's interesting, and very rewarding at the same time when by the end of the day, you're tucked in all warm and snuggly in bed and you think to yourself, thank you for going through the day, thank you for being strong, you are one step better towards a better you. (before the sleep anxiety kicks in that is, but let's not go into there now). Daily living has become a survival skill, and at the back of my mind, I can't help but to wonder can I do more? I used to do so much more than this.

Drawing bounderies, recognising self-worth. Depends on where you stand it can be seen as self-love or selfish. 'If you love yourself you wouldn't want to let yourself continue feeling this way.' True.

Just because I can't do this doesn't mean I am worse than the other. I can, just I don't want to. And I can do other stuff instead - eg letting go and self love. I am brave. I am braver and stronger than I think I am.

This may seem like reassurance. But it's true.

I am no longer defined by my achievements, positions nor title. I am no longer defined by people's perspectives on me or how much they like me. I am defined by the things I enjoy doing. I am defined by all the tiny little things that makes me, me. And all those little things are so beautiful.

From me to me,
I see the road begin to climb
I see your stars begin to shine
I see your colours and I'm dying of thirst
All I know
Is that I love you so
So much that it hurts

From me to me, I love you.

Laughter is the best medicine. Everyone has got their own story. Nobody is better than the other. What we need in this world is a little bit more love. Enjoy the little things in life. Be grateful to be alive. Things so common we hear on a daily basis means so different to me now.

How would it be like when you truly, intimately love yourself? You feel, whole.

Stories of Growth

Realisations while jogging:

1. The thing about self-awareness is not to only let you be aware of your strengths and weaknesses, but to yes, be aware, but to not let it define you. As everything can be changed if you put your heart to it. In a society where everyone is fighting for attention and wanting to be special, the biggest freedom you can give yourself is to know that you are more than those labels and descriptions others or even yourself, put on you. You are not your weakness.

2. Rarely help will come in the form of a nicely-wrapped package and landing neatly on the front of your doorsteps. They can come in the form of heavy rain and thunder, in the form of cotton candy so wispy you can hardly feel it, in the form of rocks with hidden gems or even doesn't come at all. You just have to search for it hard enough, or to ask for it when it's not given. For indeed, the only person who can help you is yourself.

3. Success stories more like finally-overcoming-a-lot-of-challenges-and-obstacles-to-reach-a-new-stage-of-growth-just-to-face-with-even-more-challenges-but-the-thing-that-makes-the-process-so-rewarding-is-when-you-see-how-much-you-have-grown stories.

Victories

Everyday is a series of mini victory for me. When eating, sleeping, waking up and getting ready for class is a challenge - well it deserves a celebration with everything I have accomplished. I am scared of all the endless possibilities that may happen in life, and I have not yet fully embrace the unknown, but I am on my way. I keep asking myself if I wasn't so self aware in the first place will I be better? But the answer is yes, maybe, for now, you will be happier, but eventually sooner of later these things will surface, and better to learn how to face it sooner rather than later don't you think? Because your genetics is marked up for it already, and better learn how to deal with it now when I still have the space for development rather than when I am starting to work already. Yes it's tough yes it's difficult but the results will be so worth it in the future. I am going to be such a mentally strong and authentic person. The things that I already knew before, I know it again now, with deeper realisations. Yes it's scary yes it's huge but when you feel fear, embrace it, examine it and if guided to do so, move towards it. I will be better I will get better.

Anyways, a really helpful website I have found http://anxietynetwork.com/content/coping-statements-anxiety.

My personal favourites:

First, use thought stoppage.  Be gentle but firm about it.

"STOP! These thoughts are not good for me.  They are not healthy or helpful thoughts, and I have decided to move in a better direction and learn to think differently."  (You are reminding and reinforcing your brain each and every time you make this rational and realistic statement.)

1. I’m going to be all right. My feelings are not always rational.  I’m just going to relax, calm down, and everything will be all right.

2. Anxiety is not dangerous -- it’s just uncomfortable.  I am fine; I’ll just continue with what I’m doing or find something more active to do.

3. Right now I have some feelings I don’t like.  They are really just phantoms, however, because they are disappearing.  I will be fine.

6. I’ve stopped my negative thoughts before and I’m going to do it again now.  I am becoming better and better at deflecting these automatic negative thoughts (ANTs) and that makes me happy.

7. So I feel a little anxiety now, SO WHAT?  It’s not like it’s the first time.  I am going to take some nice deep breaths and keep on going.  This will help me continue to get better.

1. I’ve done this before so I know I can do it again.
1. I can be anxious and still focus on the task at hand.  As I focus on the task, my anxiety will go down.

3. The feeling I have about this event doesn’t make much sense.  This anxiety is like a mirage in the desert.  I’ll just continue to "walk" forward until I pass right through it.

4. This may seem hard now, but it will become easier and easier over time.

5. I think I have more control over these thoughts and feelings than I once imagined.  I am very gently going to turn away from my old feelings and move in a new, better direction.

2. Anxiety is a old habit pattern that my body responds to.  I am going to calmly and nicely change this old habit.  I feel a little bit of peace, despite my anxiety, and this peace is going to grow and grow.  As my peace and security grow, then anxiety and panic will have to shrink.

3. At first, my anxiety was powerful and scary, but as time goes by it doesn’t have the hold on me that I once thought it had.  I am moving forward gently and nicely all the time.

4. I don’t need to fight my feelings.  I realize that these feelings won’t be allowed to stay around very much longer.  I just accept my new feelings of peace, contentment, security, and confidence.

5. All these things that are happening to me seem overwhelming.  But I’ve caught myself this time and I refuse to focus on these things.  Instead, I’m going to talk slowly to myself, focus away from my problem, and continue with what I have to do.  In this way, my anxiety will have to shrink away and disappear.

Jiayou, you are not your anxiety. 

Somehow I imagine this situation as that time when my face has lots of pimples. Imagine pimples are anxiety, and clear patch of skin is peace. I am super happy everytime there's a clear patch of skin, no matter how small, and I will focus on that to make it grow and grow. Because I know when the clear patch of skin grows, it must mean the pimples are getting lesser, and in this situation means I have more peace and less anxiety. Yes sometimes pimples will still grow back on the clear patches of skin, and I will get very upset about it, and will think that I will never have clear skin ever again, but look, my skin is all clear now, only with minor pimple problems, and if I had did it once, I will do it again. No matter how long it takes, eventually I will be there. Just like when I tried out a lot of different methods to treat my skin issue, now I also have a lot of different methods to treat my anxiety issue. If plan A doesn't work, there's always plan B, C, D. I just have to be patient, and keep exploring and experimenting, and see what method suits me best. It's not even a problem, just a minor hiccup that I have encountered in life which I will keep trying to resolve it. And before I know it and without me conciously realising it (just like my skin issue), the issues will melt away. :)

I love myself so much in this moment. 

Monsters

I am so afraid of typing my thoughts out it seems like I am afraid of my thoughts. I never knew that this fear can get so scary, it literally eats me up inside. But I know I am bigger than this, I am better than this, and I am on the right path. Screw those who thinks this path is the 'easy' one, and that I am 'escaping from my fears'. Come and see me and tell me whether am I escaping. I am facing it, head on, and for that I applaud myself. This requires so much courage, more than I had ever forseen. I am glad I did it I really am. Just need time for my body and heart to catch up. I feel relieved when I am typing this post out. But when I stop, when my fingers stop, the fear strikes back. But I gotta keep moving keep moving. The only truth in life is everything changes. And I will come out of it stronger, better, and more beautiful than ever.

Love myself. Love the me. I deserve unconditional love for all that I had done. Knowing it and experiencing it is so different.

This is the right choice for me. I was losing myself. I was becoming lifeless, soulless, unhappy, stuck, depressed, lonely. Yes I could have reached out to feel better but everyone knows I am sick of it. Sick of all those shit and sick of who I have become in that organisation. Breaking free. Of course it bloody hell hurts, I am ripping out a part of me, a part which I had harbour for so long and I believe that it is the best part of me. I expected this but I never expect it will come on so strongly. Of course I will feel sad. Of course I will feel empty. But these feelings won't last. I am better than this.

I can feel myself making more lame jokes in class today and it's true. it feels liberating. I know myself the best and what's best for me. other people can give me tons of opinions but this is my life. I know I still have to deal with all these. I never expected it to be easy. but easier said than done. just because I leave this position doesn't mean everything will go away just like that, a lot of work still needs to be done. but I am on the right track I really am. "I have to learn how to recognise myself without this organisation, because up till now this organisation means the world to me, and it's what I use to define myself. I fear that my self esteem will crumble when I leave this organisation" - what I said to veron few days ago. I am taking ownership towards my own life. I am making decisions. I am being responsible. and of course it's scary. I hadn't listen to myself for so long, so this is my 'punishment'. I choose to take responsibility, and face the consequences of my actions.

I was embracing my fear when I step up to it. Now I am embracing again when I let it go.

If I persist on, I will continuously be unhappy and maybe even breakdown halfway. Here's what people say:
Eva - this decision takes more courage than leaving. a lot of stupid reasons to leave but this is not one of them. as long as you know you are making this choice for yourself and not because you are afraid you won't do a good job. always welcome you back. better to have you happy and healthy contributing back to the society wherever you are compared to have you trapped and unhappy at that position
Wasim - you look so lost ever since you were elected. now you look happier, and for that I am happy for you
Ziying - listen to you. how many times have you used the word 'scared' and 'afraid'. you feel like you are losing control of your life. but this is life, with uncertainties. this is part of growing up. you actually smiled when you wrote that. you already know what you truly wants. remember that feeling of dread when that water was poured on you? stop rushing, stop wanting things fast. the more you rush the worse it's gonna be.
Bonnie - I can see the lifeless look in your eyes. I didn't dare to say it for fear of sounding biased but yes, I believe this is truly the right choice for you.
Jenny - do what you want to do. sleep when you feel like sleeping.
Veron - trust the process.
Govi - as long as there's no doubt, then it's fine. (and I am sure)
Awish - best of luck in your problem. overcome it (when he doesn't even have a single clue of what's going on)
Kawo - happy for you
Everyone - listen to your heart, what it really wants. we love you. (I can feel it)

I had brought a huge lesson for everyone, and in a way it's good too.

• listen to your heart
• don't take things personally. often when a thing happen is not one person's contribution (you are not that great/influential) it's often a result of many little things
• life is full of changes
• 10 years from now, will it matter? if no, then why keep stuck in it?
• enjoy the ride of life

Now that I have actually calmed down, my fears seemed so silly. Laugh it off. 

Takes Time

Why does it feel so hard to let go - if it's the right choice for me? Because I am changing my belief, learning to trust myself and my instinct. It's unknown and it's scary, of course I am afraid. I am always looking for advice and solution from people and get frustrated when it doesn't work. Of course it doesn't because nobody knows it better than myself. Nobody knows me better than myself and I choose to respect that if I wish everyone else can respect that. Why am I afraid of talking to her? Is it the same reason as with ajie? Hmm because I am afraid of being not good enough of not doing the right things, well scared, afraid, fear, these three words I use a lot. Learn to trust my self and my instinct. My body is already giving me a big warning signal. If I don't face it - nobody else will.

My method? Not your method. Even she herself said that already my god. -_- Figure out what works best for you, prioritise myself. Don't have to justify or feel the need to please. Spending time with people I love and who loves me, gain back my energy.

It's not whether can I or can I not, it's want or don't want.

It no longer mean the same thing to me and it's ok.

This struggling feeling is TEMPORARY. 无常.

One step at a time, nobody is rushing you.

Look around you, so much love so much support, means you have been doing something right in your life at least.

Love Documentation

Family
- listening to all my worries and musings and being so patient
- preparing good food and good stuff for me to bring back
- hugs
- doing all they can in their capabilities to make me feel comfortable and happy

Coursemates
- helpful and supportive
- encouraging

Friends
- being my listener and consultant
- never pushing me for decision and never showing signs of impatient
- allow me to be myself
- sharing experience
- not judging

You
- always there when I need
- make me happy
- not getting frustrated with me
- allowing me to be myself
- loving me

If I can just forget about my goddamn ego, and ground myself to earth more.

If I love myself enough, I wouldn't continue to let myself feel so shitty.

Responsible for my actions and decisions. Made a mistake? Admit it, amend it (within capabilities), and move on. Simple.

Heartache

I miss you. I miss your smile I miss your smell I miss your kisses. I miss your cheeky grin your sweat your soft lips. Your voice your arms around me your fingers curled around mine tight. Your stare your eyes the intensity. Your shoulder with my head leaning against it. Your hand playing with my hair. Your hand on my leg your offer to help me carry stuff. Your tender look your tight hugs. I miss hugging your arm it makes me feel so safe. I miss holding your hand your fingers playing with mine. I miss you telling me stories being upset with me. I miss you.

Till we see each other again. Stay strong dear heart.

Musings

Humility still isn't my strongest suit. Or is it because I am letting others invade my borders. Remind myself that they meant good. Remind myself to still be myself. Not being not them, but just being myself.

What is being myself though? How do I know I truly love someone?

The thing is, there's no correct answer to the questions above, and it's something that doesn't require thinking. As long as whatever you're doing feels comfortable and feels right, then I guess that's it.

Love is a verb.

There may be days you feel low, there may be days you feel high. But when it comes to loving that special someone, it should be easy.

Rush

Can you tell me honestly when was the last time you stop and breathe and stop thinking. Stop thinking of what's going to happen next, stop worrying about whatever had happened before, but just stop and be.

Everyday, I am rushing rushing rushing. Rushing to get things done, meeting deadlines and submitting tasks on time. Everyday is a race against the clock. Everyday wishing for more hours lesser job more time lesser tasks. Everyday praying for the day to end the week to end the month to end because I know when it ends it means I have done that something, but is this a life worth living? Everyday counting down everyday looking forward. The present doesn't seem like such a pleasant place to live in, everyday wishing tomorrow will be better. Why?

What happened to the here and now?

I gotta learn that practice that let that sink in.

Wake Up Call

What drove us on in this thing we called life is actually the hope that things will get better. This shiny, sparkly illusion we call 'the future' or even 'tomorrow'. Things will eventually be better, just stick it through, things will get better, you'll see. Lies? Is it just things getting better, or it's just we are used to it already. Are we getting better? Or is it just something else to be focused on?

You know often times I hate myself for being so self-aware, for being overly analytic and critical for not loving myself but I keep forgetting the fact that I can't turn back and if I truly want to practice self-love I should stop fighting and start being. Accepting. Accepting that this is already a part of me. Accepting that I have this habit and it's ok. Accepting that I am enough and be enough. Accepting that I am the way I am and being truly ok with that. Accepting that yes I do have panic attacks sometimes and have negative thoughts sometimes but I can handle it I can face it this is all me and not me at the same time. Accepting that things will eventually change. I wish with all my might that things will get better. I wish with all my might that you're the one. But one step at a time baby. I think I sort of get what you mean now.

What we can do now is really love and trust. What if we let go this perfect illusion of love and work with what we have now.

I will not be you.

Be enough, and only be better. Screw self-righteousness.

Thick Cushion of Love

I had been meaning to write this post for quite sometime, but unfortunately had been rendered laptop-less, and I basically had been floating around like a zombie, feeling restless and exploring what other things my little smartphone can accomplish without using a laptop. Thankfully, I have a new laptop with me now, and I promise to treasure and take good care of it for life.

Craps aside, I wanted to write this to document all the feelings of love I felt recently as a reminder for myself that yes, despite all my flaws and ugly sides, some people (bless their soul) still love me, and want the best for me.

First, my father,
It's in the way he washed my new water bottle for me, and left it on the counter, filled.
It's in the way he will pick us up, no matter where we are if we request for it.
It's in the way he helps us to solve every problem we have (prime example: laptop problem) and never ever once complain about it.
It's in the way he rushed back home from work, just so I am able to have his laptop to use to do my work.
It's in the way he just silently passes me money whenever I am away from home for long periods of time.
It's in the way he asked us to add his credit card to our Uber/Grab account.
It's in the way he reloads our TnG and phone account.

Second, my mother,
It's in the way she willingly accompanies me to the hospital for my endless ailments, patiently waiting and never once complain about it.
It's in the way she always buy snacks and junk food, only to let us eat (despite being unhealthy).
It's in the way she absorbed all my frustrations, when I released it on her (I am so sorry mum), and just smiled and moved on.
It's in the way she agrees to buy anything that I want, as long as I request for it.
It's in the way she does the laundry, and leaves everything folded neatly on my bed.

Sometimes life seems complicated but often when you go back to the basics, everything seems so simple and straightforward again. I had been bouncing between this two states for so long already I just wanna jump out of it.

Rants

How many percentage of it is real and how many is from our own feelings and interpretations. Two person in the same situation can view the world so differently. When I am feeling unhappy how much of it is justified and how much is not. When I am feeling upset should I blame myself or blame others. This sounds like a regression from yesterday, but I supposed it's a two steps forward and one step back thing. I hate feeling unhappy. I can sulk yes, but will that help matters? No.

Yesterday when I had that phone call a series of emotions passed through my mind. At first is annoyance, then frustration, and when the seriousness of the issue gets to me is frightened, then helpless, then the struggling feeling of looking for the right answer. After taking some time for myself, I gradually let the feelings sink in and realise I had over-dramatised matters. Yes, so this thing happened, so the fact is A, B and C and the solution is 1, 2 and 3. No use overthinking no use predicting what will happen in the future because that is beyond our circle of control. We just need to do what we can do and stop guessing and guessing.

It's because of what happened that made me have a need to be comforted, then when I failed to fulfill my need that's when I started feeling upset. This persistent nagging feeling of unhappiness that just won't go away. There's no life manual instrucing me on what to do. No spiritual guru to enlighten me. Just me and a bunch of knowledge trapped inside my head unable to be converted to wisdom yet. It's like the channel is blocked, and perhaps they are all stuck at the toll gate unable to get out because they do not have enough funds to pay for the toll yet.

You know what, the more I delved into spirituality the more I realise these are the stuff that should be thought at schools. Granted languages, maths, sciences and other arts subjects are important but this! Imagine if we have self-awareness since young, aware of why we feel the way we do and having excellent emotional intelligence. Will the world be a much peaceful place? Will we have lesser school bullies issue and body image issue? Will we be happier? It's just a theory, but like every theory we can only predict so far. Perhaps some people really need the struggle of feeling lost to grow.

Love Conquers All

It's an amazing feeling when something clicks into place. The warm feeling that spreads from your heart, or the lightheartedness you immediately feel when something that has been troubling you for so long started to lift off. I feel so humble, so small, and it feels really great. I am just a part of the universe, and I am responsible for my own life. Nothing else. I have no "greater" responsibilities to save the world, I am not obliged to anyone else. I just need to focus on doing the things that make me happy.

It's a huge concept to grasp. My idea right now (and I have no idea whether is it right or wrong), is that the more self-aware we are, the less we try to define ourselves, the less we hold on to things to make us feel that we are special and we exist. I used to be so proud of being able to define myself, my passion my dreams, proud to be different, proud to stand out. Proud of being able to state my purpose of life, proud to be able to have a life goal. Now, I don't think it really matters anymore. It's a state of knowing myself so well that I am calm inside. And I no longer need to look for external validations to validate myself. It's no longer a state of searching but just being.

People may laugh and scoff, isn't not having a purpose in life useless? Then why do I exist? But you see, I do have a "direction" or "purpose" in life, which is to be happy in whatever I am doing, to live in the moment, to fulfill my own needs. And it's a bliss when I realise this. I am no longer bound by all the responsibilities. I am no longer responsible for the external things that happen that is beyond my control. Because all the energy, everything I do, it comes from me myself. I do it because I want to because I choose to, not because I have to.  I am just my own bubble of life, and I may cross path with other people as I float along, and some people may stay longer than others, and we may have interactions and may learn from each other, may have some connections together, but eventually, in the end, I am still me, and I am still responsible for myself.

I used to have this twinge of annoyance when I heard of other people's success, especially if it's people I know well, but just now I suddenly thought of a friend of mine whom everyone praises a lot, and I was surprised to realise I no longer feel the annoyance that I felt whenever I thought of her, but a genuine happiness for her that she is that kind of person. A smile immediately spread across my face.

I used to hate the fact that other people might face the same issues as me, or has the same characteristics as me, but now I don't think I do anymore, I am just glad someone else can relate to it and I know I am not alone in this world.

It may be small, but it once again integrate in me the need to be humble, to have humility. I had always liked that word. It teaches us that nobody is greater than the other. We have no power over another person. Everything is, as it is. And all these realisations come gradually, but I am still glad I have them.

I am so thankful, to have such a circle of friends and family around me.

And why love conquers all? Because indeed, the source of happiness comes from being able to genuinely, truly, love oneself.

Just Keep Trying

Had a talk with my sister yesterday and it did really help to put things into perspective. I overthink and am too self-aware it's putting so much pressure on myself. To realise she don't see me 90% of how I see myself.. It's uplifting.

I have the ability to control my life including my thoughts. If I feel the emotion, feel it, get over it and move on.

I am worth.

I am who I am and I am not defined by what I do / say / act / think.

It's ok to make mistakes. It's ok for people to dislike me. Face the fear.

Issues are not a checklist you can tick off. There will always be more. It's how I face them and accept them as part & parcel of life.

People who love me love me for who I am.

People who love me will never give up on me as long as I don't give up on myself no matter how frustrated they get during the process.

Values: Love, Trust and Humbleness

Love - loving and accepting myself including all the ugly parts truly whole-heartedly
Trust - trust in the process, trust people who love me, trust in myself
Humbleness - just be myself my naked self, without ego and whatever image I have of myself in my head

I think my self-love journey had just taken on another turn.

"How would you feel if you truly, deeply and intimately loved your entire gorgeous self?"

Things I Am Still Worried About Which I Probably Shouldn't

Have you ever feel like your brain is a tangled of wire? And you just don't know what to do anymore. So many things to do and things will be solved if you just do. But do what? I can open a document and stare blankly at it for ages. I can make a bunch of lists and then suddenly feeling lost and don't think it's practical and wanna redo the whole thing. I feel scared, when someone suddenly tell me something else I have to do.

I thought I had overcome the mental block I had already. Who am I kidding? The feeling is still there, very present.

The truth is, I am soooo tired. So tired of always doing the right things, so tired of having so many ideas in my head but nobody seems to want to make it work (yes I know about the circle of influence thing just let me rant), so tired of living life carefully (say the right things to not offend people but please be yourself), so tired of keep wanting to improve myself, so tired of sleeping so much yet still feeling tired, so tired of feeling tired. 

I thought I had already taken my well-deserved break and I should be okay already. I feel guilty when I am not. I can't afford more time off. 

I am watching the enormous pile of things I am yet to get done, and I am feeling helpless. I know what to do generally but when it comes to the details part I hit a blank. So many ways I can do it but which is the best way the perfect way? The way that saves the most effort. Still a perfectionist, buried under a layer of pretend flippancy. 

I desperately need a routine.

I had been doing so many stuff - talking to people reading articles watching video reading books exercising - but do any of this really help?

I want back my clarity. Last week had been hell. It may continue to be, but I have to keep fighting for myself. Tomorrow's a new day. 

Self - Love

This is a tricky topic. But I still wanna try writing about it haha. Why tricky? Because it has been talked about too many times on too many different platforms, some people say it's overrated; the older generation thinks it's the younger generation's issue to deal with - when survival is no longer primitive, we purposely find other issues to confuse ourselves with. But that's a theory that I have heard of as well - the uncomfortable feeling we have when we push ourselves out of our comfort zone, it's the same uncomfortable feeling when the very first humans sense that there was danger around them. It makes them more alert to the surrounding and ready to fight off adversity. When we live in safer and more comfortable environment now, the feeling doesn't go away but transfer to more minute things instead.

But all in all, I think "self-love" is still something very personal, and like what I heard before from someone, it really depends on our own definition of it. What do we need right now? Self-love is after all not a destination but a journey. It's a conscious choice we make everyday. It's a practice, a behaviour, a habit. But it shouldn't be burdensome.

What does self-love means to me? Now, what I think I need most is actually more self compassion. Be as kind to myself as I do to other people. How?
1. By stop doubting my decisions (believe in myself)
2. By stop beating myself up when things don't go the way I planned (stop self-blaming basically)

A lot of times I had struggled with myself to be politically correct - but what if there is no right or wrong there just is? Promising myself to journal more is also a way for me to put things into perspective, and to be more authentic. I think I owe myself that.

Realisations (Somewhat)

It came as a gradual realisation, as to what self love is. To be honest I didn't even label this whole emotional turmoil as lack of self love. I just thought of it as 'internal struggle', 'personal conflict', 'identity crisis' and so on. But I did not think of it that the reason all of this is happening is all due to lack of self love. And it's funny. Because I thought that I had already discovered that for myself. I thought I had already been very self-aware, knowing what my values are where my passion is what is my biggest dream, I had completely disregard the fact that people change as time changes, and completely forgotten the fact that there is nothing wrong with changes. I had tried so hard fitting myself into the frame I had molded myself  into, even when I no longer fit.

It is scary, when all along people all around me had been telling me to define myself, find out who am I, what is my personality my colours my fear. And I had done exactly that, because I am the kind of person who likes following instructions. But sometimes I wonder, is it me who follow the labels or the labels are the one following me. When we had already defined ourselves there doesn't seem to leave any rooms for changes. We have learnt all along change is the only truth.

Emotions are scary things too. To experience them or to deny them? On one hand there's a saying that emotions are just emotions there is no truth in them, on the other there's a saying that we should fully experience our emotions. I had always thought they were conflicting ideologies and in return, I tend to suppress all emotions except when necessary, then it will all come out like an exploding volcano. Don't let myself feel too much positive emotions - I will get addicted. Don't feel too much negative emotions - I will regret it. Neutral. Just be neutral. Bullshit I call that.

Previously I had written on how it could be an attention seeking behaviour - when I purposely don't take care of my own health and stress level and wait for others to remind me. Well I wanna put a stop to it. I am in my own hands and no one else. And nobody else can take care of me as well as myself.

"How would you feel if you truly, deeply and intimately loved your entire, gorgeous self?" When I already feel awkward hugging myself and loving myself, why would anyone else want to do that?

When you give and give and give and expect appreciation in return, well why would that happen if you don't appreciate yourself first?

I have been reading plenty of articles about self love and there are so many theories so many steps. So many books and movies out there. But I think what really struck me is three points:
1. Put myself first - and it's not being selfish
2. Listen to my body - do what feels right for me (the mind is an expert at making up excuses)
3. Stop people pleasing

In the end, I guess I understand the phrase 'be authentic' a whole lot more now. It's a whole new journey for me to explore, but it feels right in my gut so -

Still, deepest gratitude for those around me who truly love and support me. Somehow somewhere I guess I have accumulated enough good karma to meet you guys. x

Late Night Thoughts

Along the way I had lost myself.

What happened to the promise of being positive? Of looking on the bright side? Of not complaining? Of not self-pitying? Of self-love?

I think I chose to wallow over those issues, making myself or stressed out about it and wait for someone to tell me it's okay. I think I am making myself a mess on purpose. I think I put too much responsibility on myself on purpose. I think I self blame on purpose. All to draw more attention on myself - Oh look at this damsel in distress who needs rescuing. Pity her. Look how great she is still smiling and making jokes - while inside she is almost breaking under pressure. Look how capable she is. I want people to tell me that I am doing great, that it's ok to fail sometimes especially when I am handling so many stuff, that I shouldn't beat myself up when I am feeling demotivated or to put it crudely, lazy to accomplish some stuff. I elicit a pleasure in myself, when people lecture me to take more care of myself and stop beating myself up so much. I want all these reassurance, to fill a hole inside me that will never be filled. Why? Because the reassurance is not coming from me myself.

Who am I?

What we do everyday, it's a choice. Our actions, our thoughts. I had chose to let myself feel stressed out, I had chose to dwell on the issue instead of letting myself get to the solution, I had chose to self blame. I had chose to zoom in on the non-achievements and failed to recognise the achievements. I had chose to only think in terms of  'what could have been' instead of 'what is'. I had chose to not acknowledge my own strengths, and only wait for people to compliment me. I had chose to let myself feel guilty for things beyond my control.  I am so afraid of taking actions - for fear of failure or things not turning out as planned. Because this whole vicious cycle will start again.  I give myself a million excuses before I even started. In return I am burdening my own mind - because nobody can help me if I do not help myself. I am lucky enough to have friends and family who truly love me - who offer me advises and asking me to be free of my own thoughts, to let go of the pressure on myself. But didn't I choose to hold on to this pressure myself? You can be addicted to a certain kind of feeling, even though it's negative and bad as hell for you.

What happened to my promised personal values of Kindness, Courage and Positivity?

Why do my voice gets smaller every time I am stating my thoughts / expressing my true self to someone, as if I lack the confidence? I am already doubting myself - then who on earth will believe me?

Emotions are just emotions - feelings are just feelings. They do not control our life. Our actions do.

I want to change. I want to set myself free.

I need to know myself well enough, until there's no need for recognition from others.
I need to stop self pitying and self blaming - no amount of reassurance is going to help.
I need to carry out the planned actions, stop overthinking and just do it.
I need to stop feeling depressed every time I look at other people and think why am I not more like her/him and why do I not have this quality?

Most of all, I want to be happy.